my head is swimming...
I have been unable to access the life giving world wide web today (after about noon) due to server problems at work... so I had to settle for a red-letter productivity day. (that and I was catching up on worked that I missed yesterday because I was "sick")
anyways - so after work I get my hair cut and run home to be home... alas, alack, no one is home to greet me or make dinner - not that I expect that, mind you, it's just that with so many people at our house (with my sister's wedding so close at hand) I figured they'd have left something to eat that wasn't fish...
but they went to my uncles to eat... bastards... (except, I don't really mean bastards because I'm supposed to respect my elders)
so I ate half a pork-bun from lunch and a mini-cake that Lorie got for me to day because God blessed me today with something for which I have been working and praying for the last seven months or so...
then I go online... [digression]I must tell you - when I think about it - sitting in front of a computer all day for work and then coming home to sit in front of a computer all night for fun can be a little disheartening, especially since I wanted to play soccer today - but I am battered and broken, and I had that hair cut appointment - so there really wasn't a chance...[end digression]
So... I went online... started reading peoples blogs and had to use my brain more than I wanted to because people are so smart, clever, funny, witty, etc..
I laughed a lot...
so just now, after the revelation that this entry is going absolutely no where, I figured I'd try to write something witty and funny...
but the harder I try to write something witty and funny, the harder it is for me to believe that I have accomplished that... probably because it is nowhere in the neighborhood of witty or funny...
more like the categories of "hunh?" or "couldn't-get-that-far-because-you-bored-me-out-of-my-mind-a-while-ago"...
then I started to think about the issues that I have (but not really)... like my depression, and codependency, and my paranoia, and my compulsive eating disorder, and my obsessive compulsive disorder, and my lack of self-esteem, and now dealing with the fact that I'm not witty or funny...
now, I hear a voice telling me "just give it all up, because you are obviously just writing to write, with no purpose, no rhyme or reason or rhythm..."
I tell that voice to "piss off" - even though I never really say "piss off"... except in my head all of the time, but for some reason I never say that out loud...
suddenly, it hits me... my meaningless banter, my reckless writings, my witless words... all of them - they are here to balance out all of the intelligence and sophistication and humor to which I have born witness...
I am the anti-joke, the un-intelligence, the meaninglessness that is the anti-thesis of all that is profound and humorous...
Of course you know... that could (and probably is) all bullshit... because this is my brain leaking like [something that leaks a lot] all over this entry... or all in this entry... I am not riddled with disorders... mostly...
are entries concave or are they surfaces? determining that would allow me to choose the right preposition...
where does the mouse go? over, under, in, out, around, through, etc.
it goes in the back of the computer where the damn plug is...
and why am I watching the US open? I don't even play tennis...well, not well... or at all even... but I can't help but watch Wimbledon and the US Open when it's on the tube...
am I addicted to television? am I addicted to the computer? am I addicted to you?
I am addicted to cheesy jokes, karaoke, papa john's cheese sticks, jet's deep dish, risk, monopoly, paintball, ice cream, chocolate, lasagna, dim sum, anime...
and what am I doing telling all of this?
mars is just over the horizon right now... it is the closest it has been in eons (apparently - I wouldn't know... this is just hearsay to me)
I'm gonna go look...
you drowning yet?
because I'm afraid I pulled you down with me...
because I feel like my head has been dunked a thousand times...
