babiegoose.com

so, whilst searching for entourage bittorrents I found click. the adam sandler movie with kate beckinsale [hot]... anyhow, it's basically the family man, but instead of seeing how life would be if he wasn't successful, he saw what his life would be when he was successful... by using a remote control... so basically his life sucked.

basically, every time there was a conflict between home and work, work won.

it's the same story told in many different ways... a Christmas carol, the family man, scrooged, 13 going on 30, multiplicity, regarding henry, fast and furious, amidst many more...

anyhow, bottom line is, work over family equals sucky life with no family.

it got me thinking...

I really hope that doesn't become me. right now, I don't really have that particular choice, per se, but I know that it's looming.

one of the buzz phrases in corporate america is "work-life balance" they talk about it because they need to convince people that it is an option... in some cases it actually is viable, but not if you are looking to be a big cheese (or at least, I've never seen it)

I'm not looking to be big cheese. I don't want that kind of responsibility or that kind of pressure.

even if you wanted to change, it's really not an easy step - you have to make really hard decisions - but most importantly, you need to know into what you want to change.

wanting change is one things, but knowing what you want is another, then, even further, the process of actually changing.

I do what I continue to do because what I do is amorphous. it changes all the time, thus sort of fulfilling the need of change...

sort of...

it isn't real change... although what I do "changes" all the time - what I do doesn't really change. it just has the appearance of change. new city, new client, new project, different type of work... but in the end, it's the same thing.

it doesn't help that I'm lazy... it also doesn't help that I am "comfortable" doing what I am doing... I complain about it, but in that complaining, there is a weird sort of comfort... kind of the cross to bear that I gladly show the world, to hide the crosses that I bear that I want to keep secret...

I think my mind is too limited for change - for big change... but for some reason, I always move towards it...

but with change comes uncertainty, and that's not comfortable and not being comfortable is something we all try to avoid... (ironic because sometimes when I joke, much of what I joke about is an attempt to make people feel just a little uncomfortable - just a little - but there is the whole going to far thing, but that's a story for another time)

really, all I know is that when it comes down to that decision... whether it is work or life... whether the scales must be tipped in a certain direction...

I hope I am concious enough to choose life... to choose family...

the scary thing is... I'm not sure that I'm that strong.

... ... ...

maybe it's like jumping into a pool - but blind... just dive in, get the initial splash over with, and then after the initial shock of being submerged, you find that you are in a nice, clean, heated pool... the fear is that after the shock, you find you are in icy, shark-infested waters instead and that's what keeps you from the plunge...

... ... ...

I need a reassuring voice to help me through... I don't think I'm a true leader, yet I am not content with being a mere follower either...

[sigh] the hedgehog's dilemna...