there are just some people that get on your nerves... don't know what it is... maybe they exude phermones that are not in line with you, but whatever - they just bother you.
some people you just love right away - something about them just clicks with you - and usually vice versa... some people you are ambivalent about, so you either persue it or you just choose not to care...
but man, some people just rub you the wrong way and just keep on churning. truthfully, there is some give and take here... some people that I didn't like at first ended up being ok... but usually some people I didn't like at first stayed that way because I radiated my dislike, which they picked up on, or they felt the same and we completely just pushed away (I was going to say polar opposites, but if you think about it, those tend to attract while similar poles tend to repel - in either case, there is some deep thoughts swimming around about the whole parallel of personalities and physics, but that's a whole other blog)
I don't think there has ever been a person that I just felt I didn't like at first that has ever become a close friend, but who knows... I sometimes forget people until I see them again, and then I remember a whole bunch of random things about them, but the point was that I don't have everyone I've ever met floating on the surface of my memory. actually, if I don't remember them immediately, then it's probably safe to say that they were never all that close, so yeah - if I didn't like you right away then you are probably not a close friend...
oh. unless I don't remember that I didn't like you.
whatever... if you aren't a close friend and I didn't like you when I first met you, then it's probably for my lack of trying, or worse - my exacerbation of the already strained relationship - because I can be a real d!@% sometimes.
or a lot of times, depending on my mood and how much I don't like you...
I can't place it... maybe it's attitude, maybe you are the complete embodiment of everything that I hate about myself and you just remind me... maybe you are a characature of everything I hate about myself, so I'm not nearly as bad as the traits I see in you, but because you reveal myself to me and I probably am not ready to face that about me, the anger I feel toward myself is displace onto you.
or...
maybe I resent you because you are everything that I want to be and I am jealous because in my eyes you have achieved what I can only hope for, but little do I know that you have your own problems which are probably as significant to you as my problems are to me...
but the latter rarely happens because I'm too egotistical to think anyone is better than me...
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I told you I can be a d!@%...
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whatever the reason, it is probably best that we limit our time together, because I will probably deflate your ego, your self-esteem, and your pride, with quick witted, hurtful, and thoughtless words, designed to make others laugh, and so I can revel in my schadenfreude...
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oh man... how depressing is my view of myself?
seriously though - I'm not as bad as I was in college... and certainly not as bad as I was in highschool...
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so. to everyone that I didn't like at first.
sorry. you can't be friends with everyone. I don't have time to hear your life story. and some people are just boring.
to be fair. not everyone wants me for a friend. they don't care about my story. and I might be just as equally or more boring to them as I they might be to me.
if that isn't the case, then I am probably way too intense for them (I am way too intense for a lot of people) - even people that [reluctantly] like me think I am too intense...
and they know me...
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people can change, but I'm not sure that I can change that drastically...
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if you give me a job where I have to be around a lot of people all of the time, I bet you'd see me being quieter amidst a number of friends...
the fact is, I sit in front of a computer all day, begging to find something that can hold my attention for more than 15 minutes at a time without being completely and utterly blatant about not having harder work to do.
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so I blog... by this time today, I will have read over every blog linked on the links page 5 times over. I am almost able to repeat from memory the first line or title of every blog on that list because they haven't changed in a few weeks.
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I'm hungry.
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sometimes I think that many of my entries are repeating some of my previous entries. it's possible - considering that most of my entries revolve around the biggest problems I have right now... not being able to see people I really want to see, not being home, and not being busy...
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*so as to not dwell on the negative side of this whole things... about the people with whom I click with, or like immediately (or close to)... maybe it's because the shared (as in you had one and I had one, but not the same one) life experiences allow for a connection on a deeper level... maybe it's biological, and the person could be completely not even close to your wavelength but the elusive phermones create an attraction... maybe it's because the person is so darn nice without being overly sweet and overly concerned that they aren't creepy or invasive, that even if you thought you didn't like them they ended up growing on you (they would have probably been thrown into my "ambivalent about" group) and quickly joined the ranks of the "i like you" group... also, please note, that you can probably like someone right away and just not know that you do, and it might actually take years for it to develop into a friendship... I don't know how that works, but it does, you were less ambivalent and more apathetic about them, but you weren't turned off by them, and then they eventually just became good friends.
and then there are those cases where everything totally clicks and falls into place and you think you are rushing it, but then it turns into a 7 years of exclusivity and two years of permanent exclusivity (amongst other religious and legal ramifications)... she's working right now...
(I love you, goose! I miss you, too!)
*if this section seems non-sequitur, then that's probably because it is - considering I actually added it about 12 hours after I wrote it...
