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have I wasted my life?

what have I accomplished?

where do these "accomplishments" stand in the true meaning of what really matters?

what really matters?

it's funny how you can be completely content with yourself for a moment, and then feel completely vapid and hollow the next... how does that happen.

we as humans have this innate need to belong. we long for something greater, something more...

sometimes we choose to ignore that feeling, that calling, and maybe that's why we get into trouble sometimes.

or maybe, sometimes, we are trying so hard to get to that point, we overlook that which we really need.

what do I really need?

Are our deeds are only as good as they are remembered? God keeps score, so I guess they aren't, but it's true - sometimes we just need those words of approval, of encouragement so that we can keep moving through a life that is intermingled with happiness and hardship... the latter which we remember more - or so it seems to me.

we wallow in our unhappiness because it is stable. too many times have people tried to take away whatever happiness one achieves, simply because those that do not have it are jealous of it. but if we stay unhappy, if we believe that unhappiness is where everything should be, then we can accept that an move on.

"Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness."

how true. when our hope is shattered we are defeated. there is no fight except any rage that might keep us going.

defiance. the other thing that can give us strength after hope. knowing that there is no hope and to fight for the sheer act of rebelling... grim satisfaction, indeed.

perhaps the ritual of gorging on food is simply and attempt to fill the void that we feel within ourselves because we feel lost in life.

what are we looking for?

what stops me from changing?

fear. simple as that. we are comforable in our discomfort... the devil you know, and all that... we know what we have (or do not have) and we have become used to it. we settle merely because the thought to trying to reach for a different goal and failing is to hard for us to handle.

"When you want something, all the world conspires in helping you to achieve it."

we simple have to put for the effort, don't we?

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

can we live with that failure if we do? are we able to just dust ourselves off and try again?

when people have their quarter or mid-life crisis, they find out that they aren't living the life that maybe they thought they should. everything that they have dreamed of has not come to pass. their lives have taken a turn and they no longer know where they are going or what they want.

"I've got it all, the house that's too big, the car I can't afford, and the vacation home I never go to"

what am I afraid of?

why can't I just keep moving forward.

why do I constantly keep getting caught caring about the little insignificant details that have nothing to do with anything and don't help anyone?

I need to do something.

I just don't know what it is.