babiegoose.com

who am I?

am I an egomaniac with a hero complex. do I need to be able to solve everyone's problems? can I not leave a puzzle alone?

I think I've been channeling greg house as of late - I get bored until I have a problem I can't solve and then I don't rest until I solve it.

I have a problem in that I'm constantly in fix-it mode. I need to be fixing something because I can't seem to just sit there and let things be.

understand how it happened, how do I fix it, and how not to let it happen again.

I'm a control freak. not the obsessive I need to control every aspect of everyone's life, but those that surround me are certainly affected.

is it because I just want to help? or is there some ulteriormotive behind it. I would like to believe that I am doing it because I want to help, but maybe deep down I think that someone deserves to be happy and since that will probably never happen for me, it might as well be those closest to me.

I can't make everyone happy. what sucks is that my happiness revolves around one other person's happiness and I don't know if I can make that person happy. I don't know how. I can't find out why and that person doesn't seem to want to let me in.

I am going insane. really, I am. I'm racking my brain trying to figure out if there was something that I did or if it is the way that I am or something, but I don't know.

I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I am living for, and I certainly don't know if am holding up my end of the bargain. I've been praying for some guidance, and perhaps some insight into the road and path that I am on, but it is so easy to give into despair.

why is that?

am I focusing on what really matters?

I don't know. maybe. maybe not.

I am lost and I am screaming on the inside. I want to know what is going on in your head because I can't know if you don't tell me.

I am cycling through anger and frustration and fear and resentment and sadness and despair and loliness and confusion and it is all going to come to a head if I don't get this all off my chest.

but there is only one person that I can talk to about this.

please talk to me.

please. I need to know where I stand.

because if I don't, I don't know how much more I can take before I either give up or give out...

So there is this ice machine in the kitchen which is just over yonder from my cube.

about every 10 to 15 minutes it dumps ice cubes into it's reservior.

it sounds like a short burst of applause, and I turn my head every time because I am attention deficit.

it's a little annoying.

yup.

I made it worse this morning...

not fun. I need to find some burt's bees ointment.

I f*@#ing HATE []. WTF. what do you have to do? I don't know. I don't get it. it seriously is beyond me.

you think you know. but you don't. but you really do. but maybe you don't want to know that you know.

delusions. that's how it works. the ancients deluded themselves into think there was a god for every unknown out there.

God creates dinosaurs, God destroys dinosaurs.
God creates man, man destroys God.
Man creates dinosaurs, dinosaurs destroy man.
Dragons destroy everything.

the question is, am I wrong and I delude myself or am I right and I delude myself?

"You remember when I said how I was gonna explain about life, buddy? Well the thing about life is, it gets weird. People are always talking ya about truth. Everybody always knows what the truth is, like it was toilet paper or somethin', and they got a supply in the closet. But what you learn, as you get older, is there ain't no truth. All there is is bullshit, pardon my vulgarity here. Layers of it. One layer of bullshit on top of another. And what you do in life like when you get older is, you pick the layer of bullshit that you prefer and that's your bullshit, so to speak." ~Bernie LaPlante, Hero

how depressing is that?

things like an h2 or a yacht or a summer home or designer clothes...

so, I used to throw fits when I just bought something and it would get dinged up the first time out... and I not one to judge people for buying things they don't need because I'm one to talk.

in any case, I've heard people talking about stuff like, oh I would never buy [insert expensive item here] because of the gas... or I would never buy a [insert another expensive item here] because I would never be able to take care of it...

smart - you should buy stuff that has an upkeep you can't handle.

then there are the dumb people that buy stuff like that and for some reason that "item" is the end-all-be-all of their existence... not good - because if it gets rained on, or if someone puts a hairline scratch in it, they will go nutters...

seriously - I can understand collecting things and not wanting them to be damamged for the sake of the collectable's integrity, but for things like cars or clothes or shoes - if you don't want them getting scuffed up or anything or can't afford them getting all messed up- don't wear it out... but then if you did that, then what would be the point of buying it?

when I'm buying clothes, it's not like I'm hoping someone will spill red wine all over me, but it is not the end of the world. I'll either get it cleaned or I'll toss the shirt and by a new one. I'm of the mind that if you are exposing something to external forces and it's not durable enough to withstand said forces and you can't afford to replace it - then you probably shouldn't have bought it in the first place.

you have every right to be annoyed, however, if damage does occur - and I'm not saying that the $500 shirt wasn't really well made and looked really good, but if you only have one $500 and the rest of your clothes (combined) cost less - it probably shouldn't be a part of your regular wardrobe...

unless you just like to bitch.

eh... whatever... my train of thought just kicked me off...

ok... so I just finished watch "big" again... one of many of the movies where a child controls an adult body - "freaky friday", "vice versa", "13 going on 30", "18 again" - among others...

so there is this movie that I vaguely remember, where the main character, a boy, becomes instantly older meets a woman and the two fall for each other... eventually the boy must return to his proper age (I think in this case, he was in highschool)... at the very end the last scene shows that the woman chooses to follow the boy (somehow) and joins him in his highschool class...

for the life of me, I cannot remember the name of that movie!

I haven't thought to hard, but I'm also sleepy, so that's not helping much.

if you have any clue what movie it might be, PLEASE let me know!

[UPDATED 8/3/06] I found it - thanks to imdb.com's power search and numerous plot word combinations, the name of this movie - surprisingly - is 14 Going on 30... funny, I had a feeling that it would something like that, but had no idea it would have preceded "13 Going on 30" - it was made for TV in 1988, and I have absolutely no idea how I even remotely remember watching it, other than the spark after watching "Big"... but then again, I guess that would explain it... why I remember is a whole other wonder.

I broke a nail at training during an ice breaker...

it hurts.

:-(

so I'm listening to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix whilst I work...

and I am getting SO mad because of Dolores Umbridge...

UGH!

so I told my roommate that I was going to give him a ride to work at 7:45am...

oh ye of little faith...

apparently he didn't want to take a peak into my room, and he couldn't hear the shower, so he assumed that I was a heavy sleeper or I had headphones on...

or that I slept with headphones.

in any case, he promptly called someone else to pick him up because he needed a ride to work.

oh well. so I'm up now. I'm not at work - and I'm a little sleepy.

... ... ...

it looks like a pb&j and red bull for breakfast.

Guaranteed 100%

sprinkle a little on the road and >poof!<

TRAFFIC!

big cars, little cars...

even trucks!!!

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

not only does this amazing potion stop traffic!

it makes your car DIRTY!

that's right! just drive around in the potion and soon you will be in desperate need of a CAR WASH!

How much would something so magnificent set me back!

Brace yourselves!

IT'S FREE!!! (WOOO HOOO!)

Also, it is available to anyone ANYWHERE!*

I know what you're thinking. How can something so wonderful be available to an everyday shmoe like me?

Simple.

It's NATURE!

... ... ...
*if the climate is temperate or warmer**, availability subject to weather conditions or acts of God
**above freezing so as to not create snow

DISCLAIMER WARNING: all-new-and-improved magical traffic potion causes, but is not limited to, increased traffic accidents, road rage, depression, increased or decreased plant growth, flooding, mudslides, long walks, decreased health and even death