babiegoose.com

it has been an interesting couple of weeks. first, it's probably been one of the most expensive couple of weeks we've had in a long time... out water heater crapped out and we had to get a new one... the surprise party, rock band, wii fit, a new phone, clothes... you know stuff. but if you told me that I had to do that all over again in order to have the memories from sunday, then I would do it again in a heartbeat. it's always nice to see how much people love you... you know that they love you, but to actually see it physically manifest itself - (as it did on sunday for me, and in retrospect, the last few months) is amazing. lorie, anna, kimmie, eric, rob, and ellen. the amount of work they put in for something as simple as a surprise party was a little ridiculous and appreciate more than they probably could know. the art board, the food, the t-shirts, the hats, the planning, and from throwing a fake surprise party, to going along with a fake fake party, to getting everything together for a real surprise party under my nose and many times (unbeknownst to me) with my help. especially lorie. I don't know if I should be proud or weary about her ability to lie to my face - though with the best intentions, of course. before this weekend, I probably would have told you that I thought I was pretty smart, pretty clever. after this weekend, I think I might be a lot slower than any previous estimation. but, even if I did figure it out (which I didn't) I don't think I would have had the heart to ruin the efforts and the planning and just the thoughts of those six people that did so much to give me such a beatiful and fun filled day. all for me? in my head, yes, but I'm pretty sure everyone else had fun too. so thanks to everyone that came, and especially thanks to lorie, kimmie, anna, eric, ellen, and rob. you guys are the best. I'm so happy to be blessed with my family and friends.

now if I could only get some sleep. ;-)

It's been a long road, gettin from there to here...

a lot has changed in the almost 8 months since I've blogged... too much to recap... I'm sure other people have done so.

Even in my own eyes I know I've changed. reading through a lot of the blogs I posted (and didn't post) I've found that a lot of the anger and frustration that I felt are no longer there... only to replaced with different feelings - some similar, other vastly different.

I've since discovered web 2.0 - many aspects of which I like, many which I do not like. bring us together by keeping us apart. ironic, no?

I've come to terms with my life - and how I will choose to live it.

I've come to terms with my career - and how I will choose to handle it.

nothing is perfect, I don't think it ever will be - but I know where I want to be, because I know I'm not there...

but life isn't a sprint... it's a marathon. We can't have things right when we want them, if only to teach us that things attained easily are things easily forgotten. there is no cheat code or FAQ walk-through for life.

I'm pretty sure no one has it all figured out. because if they did, they would have probably boxed it, mass produced it, and sold it to the highest bidder.

I'd probably be in line to buy it if I was convinced...

I think I'll try to keep blogging again... I haven't been keeping up with anyone's blog... I'm sure that my links are hopelessly out of date.

the layout is probably dated as well...

but as with everything, there is only time to do so much... and I haven't been using my time as wisely as I would like.

I just have to remember that we weren't meant for this world... this world is not the end.

if I can keep that in mind and my focus on the things that really matter... everything will be alright in the end.

I will see my dreams come alive at last...
I will touch the sky...

go lorie it's your birthday!
we gonna party like it's your birthday!
we gonna sip bacardi like it's your birthday!

love you, goose!

happy happy!
birthday birthday!

strange when you think about it... which is probably why I don't think about it.

in the last year, I have spent more time sitting in my chair working on a computer than I have collectively spent with my wife, my family, my friends.

I have spent more time with my co-workers than I have collectively spent with my wife, my family, my friends.

I have become friends with my co-workers, but they will always be co-workers to me. I have always made it (whether subconcious or not) a habit to never really connect on too deep a level with people I have gone to school with or people that I work with. of course I had friends in school and at work, but only a small handful have really made it through graduations and through relocations. many of my good friends I met during school or work, but almost never at my school or work...

so when I think about my priorities, what should I really be thinking about?

I think that the time spent when you are together is very important. the time together doesn't have to be deep and profound and epiphanies don't need to be made... all that matters is that you cherish the time you have when you are together. that you appreciate the love and friendship you have available to you.

that's what I live for.

I live for the moments when I can just be with lorie, no matter what... if I have to go with her and sit while she is getting her hair done, or if I have to endure walking through grocery stores or even help cook [gasp]! I love every one of those moments. when we sit there and watch tv together - even if it is general hospital or gilmore girls - I'm just glad to be with her. it's not often you find someone that you just want to give your life to... someone to love and someone that all you want is for them to be happy...

sigh...

when I say I miss her I think that would be the understatement of the century.

when I say I love her, if love were a grain of sand, my love would be a thousand beaches...

so when I say I wish I could spend more time with her...

you have an inkling...

so, whilst searching for entourage bittorrents I found click. the adam sandler movie with kate beckinsale [hot]... anyhow, it's basically the family man, but instead of seeing how life would be if he wasn't successful, he saw what his life would be when he was successful... by using a remote control... so basically his life sucked.

basically, every time there was a conflict between home and work, work won.

it's the same story told in many different ways... a Christmas carol, the family man, scrooged, 13 going on 30, multiplicity, regarding henry, fast and furious, amidst many more...

anyhow, bottom line is, work over family equals sucky life with no family.

it got me thinking...

I really hope that doesn't become me. right now, I don't really have that particular choice, per se, but I know that it's looming.

one of the buzz phrases in corporate america is "work-life balance" they talk about it because they need to convince people that it is an option... in some cases it actually is viable, but not if you are looking to be a big cheese (or at least, I've never seen it)

I'm not looking to be big cheese. I don't want that kind of responsibility or that kind of pressure.

even if you wanted to change, it's really not an easy step - you have to make really hard decisions - but most importantly, you need to know into what you want to change.

wanting change is one things, but knowing what you want is another, then, even further, the process of actually changing.

I do what I continue to do because what I do is amorphous. it changes all the time, thus sort of fulfilling the need of change...

sort of...

it isn't real change... although what I do "changes" all the time - what I do doesn't really change. it just has the appearance of change. new city, new client, new project, different type of work... but in the end, it's the same thing.

it doesn't help that I'm lazy... it also doesn't help that I am "comfortable" doing what I am doing... I complain about it, but in that complaining, there is a weird sort of comfort... kind of the cross to bear that I gladly show the world, to hide the crosses that I bear that I want to keep secret...

I think my mind is too limited for change - for big change... but for some reason, I always move towards it...

but with change comes uncertainty, and that's not comfortable and not being comfortable is something we all try to avoid... (ironic because sometimes when I joke, much of what I joke about is an attempt to make people feel just a little uncomfortable - just a little - but there is the whole going to far thing, but that's a story for another time)

really, all I know is that when it comes down to that decision... whether it is work or life... whether the scales must be tipped in a certain direction...

I hope I am concious enough to choose life... to choose family...

the scary thing is... I'm not sure that I'm that strong.

... ... ...

maybe it's like jumping into a pool - but blind... just dive in, get the initial splash over with, and then after the initial shock of being submerged, you find that you are in a nice, clean, heated pool... the fear is that after the shock, you find you are in icy, shark-infested waters instead and that's what keeps you from the plunge...

... ... ...

I need a reassuring voice to help me through... I don't think I'm a true leader, yet I am not content with being a mere follower either...

[sigh] the hedgehog's dilemna...

there are just some people that get on your nerves... don't know what it is... maybe they exude phermones that are not in line with you, but whatever - they just bother you.

some people you just love right away - something about them just clicks with you - and usually vice versa... some people you are ambivalent about, so you either persue it or you just choose not to care...

but man, some people just rub you the wrong way and just keep on churning. truthfully, there is some give and take here... some people that I didn't like at first ended up being ok... but usually some people I didn't like at first stayed that way because I radiated my dislike, which they picked up on, or they felt the same and we completely just pushed away (I was going to say polar opposites, but if you think about it, those tend to attract while similar poles tend to repel - in either case, there is some deep thoughts swimming around about the whole parallel of personalities and physics, but that's a whole other blog)

I don't think there has ever been a person that I just felt I didn't like at first that has ever become a close friend, but who knows... I sometimes forget people until I see them again, and then I remember a whole bunch of random things about them, but the point was that I don't have everyone I've ever met floating on the surface of my memory. actually, if I don't remember them immediately, then it's probably safe to say that they were never all that close, so yeah - if I didn't like you right away then you are probably not a close friend...

oh. unless I don't remember that I didn't like you.

whatever... if you aren't a close friend and I didn't like you when I first met you, then it's probably for my lack of trying, or worse - my exacerbation of the already strained relationship - because I can be a real d!@% sometimes.

or a lot of times, depending on my mood and how much I don't like you...

I can't place it... maybe it's attitude, maybe you are the complete embodiment of everything that I hate about myself and you just remind me... maybe you are a characature of everything I hate about myself, so I'm not nearly as bad as the traits I see in you, but because you reveal myself to me and I probably am not ready to face that about me, the anger I feel toward myself is displace onto you.

or...

maybe I resent you because you are everything that I want to be and I am jealous because in my eyes you have achieved what I can only hope for, but little do I know that you have your own problems which are probably as significant to you as my problems are to me...

but the latter rarely happens because I'm too egotistical to think anyone is better than me...

... ... ...

I told you I can be a d!@%...

... ... ...

whatever the reason, it is probably best that we limit our time together, because I will probably deflate your ego, your self-esteem, and your pride, with quick witted, hurtful, and thoughtless words, designed to make others laugh, and so I can revel in my schadenfreude...

... ... ...

oh man... how depressing is my view of myself?

seriously though - I'm not as bad as I was in college... and certainly not as bad as I was in highschool...

... ... ...

so. to everyone that I didn't like at first.

sorry. you can't be friends with everyone. I don't have time to hear your life story. and some people are just boring.

to be fair. not everyone wants me for a friend. they don't care about my story. and I might be just as equally or more boring to them as I they might be to me.

if that isn't the case, then I am probably way too intense for them (I am way too intense for a lot of people) - even people that [reluctantly] like me think I am too intense...

and they know me...

... ... ...

people can change, but I'm not sure that I can change that drastically...

... ... ...

if you give me a job where I have to be around a lot of people all of the time, I bet you'd see me being quieter amidst a number of friends...

the fact is, I sit in front of a computer all day, begging to find something that can hold my attention for more than 15 minutes at a time without being completely and utterly blatant about not having harder work to do.

... ... ...

so I blog... by this time today, I will have read over every blog linked on the links page 5 times over. I am almost able to repeat from memory the first line or title of every blog on that list because they haven't changed in a few weeks.

... ... ...

I'm hungry.

... ... ...

sometimes I think that many of my entries are repeating some of my previous entries. it's possible - considering that most of my entries revolve around the biggest problems I have right now... not being able to see people I really want to see, not being home, and not being busy...

... ... ...

*so as to not dwell on the negative side of this whole things... about the people with whom I click with, or like immediately (or close to)... maybe it's because the shared (as in you had one and I had one, but not the same one) life experiences allow for a connection on a deeper level... maybe it's biological, and the person could be completely not even close to your wavelength but the elusive phermones create an attraction... maybe it's because the person is so darn nice without being overly sweet and overly concerned that they aren't creepy or invasive, that even if you thought you didn't like them they ended up growing on you (they would have probably been thrown into my "ambivalent about" group) and quickly joined the ranks of the "i like you" group... also, please note, that you can probably like someone right away and just not know that you do, and it might actually take years for it to develop into a friendship... I don't know how that works, but it does, you were less ambivalent and more apathetic about them, but you weren't turned off by them, and then they eventually just became good friends.

and then there are those cases where everything totally clicks and falls into place and you think you are rushing it, but then it turns into a 7 years of exclusivity and two years of permanent exclusivity (amongst other religious and legal ramifications)... she's working right now...

(I love you, goose! I miss you, too!) Read more.

I used to wonder how some people can so "blindly" give themselves to a person. especially in the situations where, from an outsider's perspective, that person is utterly being used, abused, or the love is so unilateral...

I used to wonder, "why would they let themselves get hurt like that" or I would feel sorry that they couldn't find love that would love them back... love breaks your heart...

I used to wonder, but I think I understand... you really can't help with whom you fall in love... sometimes, some people just touch your heart and you fall in love with them. it might not make sense, but it happens... love makes it hard...

and it fades away so easily... hmm... I do not agree... sometimes "love" is just lust, masquerading as love, because when it is love - even if you are no longer in love with them, you still love them - even no matter how much...

love I think is more of a connection - at a spiritual level, because physical attraction is easy, it fades, and it is quickly forgotten. a flashfire compare to the slow, deep burn of real love...

but when you do love someone, unilateral or not, you will do anything you can for them... but tread carefully - because if the one that you love clearly does not love you back, then you must be able to accept that and move on. you must be able to find a love that will give love back. you can hold onto your other feelings, but you have to be careful that you do not let them keep you from having other meaningful relationships... love takes no less than everything.

or you can hold onto those feelings and live the rest of your life pining for that one love.

that is your choice...

now marriage, real marriage, imho, is the sacrament in which man and woman are joined by God's divine grace to share a lifelong, faithful union in which children will accepted willing without any artificial contraception. marriage cannot be dissolved except by death. (so no divorce - btw an annulment means that the actual marriage never existed, meaning that part of the required criteria for marriage was not met and therefore the couple was never really married)

when you marry someone, it has to be a very concious decision. you have to be willing to say, no matter what - no matter what I am going to stick with you until one of us dies.

I think about that and I am floored. as long as you both shall live. that was the stipulation. in my heart I felt it, but when you actually think about it and say it outloud. you're really not messing around. the funny thing, is that I do think about it, and I am happy with it. I would love to be able to be with my wife whenever possible... but you enter into things that you find you have trouble getting out of... (of course, there really is no getting out of marriage) and suddenly the important things that you should be thinking about get pushed to the background.

i've really had to take a step back and look at what I really want in my life. for a while there, I had no clue. in fact, I still am a bit clueless. but I still have to keep moving forward, because I don't want to get stuck in a rut. I don't want try to go back to the way things were, because I will end up doing the same things over and over again, going in circles. I want to expand and I want to grow. my life, my faith, my love. I just need to be patient. I love my wife. and I will wait for her forever. how do I show love without smothering? how do I show love without looking distant? what does she really want? what do I really want?

what I really want...

hmm...

love.

that's pretty much it.

fall 1997...

the boy had no idea what he was getting into... it was just a game to him.

but he still didn't know. he didn't know what was in store... the girl seemed to be very sweet. she "loaned" him money all the time, without batting an eye lash (I say "loaned" because he really had no intention of paying her back - yes, he was a jerk) - and she even covered his little sister when they took her along. she remembered that he liked some stupid comic book character and even bought him a few of the figures for sweetest day - she didn't expect anything from him, but there she was, giving him presents...

she was looking for someone, anyone to hang out with, moving to a new school does that, but when people, who you think are friends, dismiss you all the time, it starts to wear you down...

he was playing a game. she was looking for a friend.

somewhere along the way, they fell in love. maybe not at the same time, but it happened. he said it first (so he claims) she said it later (not too much later, but I'm sure when he said it the first time, it threw her off a bit)

they didn't know what they were getting into - they were still growing as individuals, yet they were also growing as a couple. strange, all the places life takes you with you not even realizing it.

school... work... school... family... friends... work... family... friends... etc...

so they fall deeper and deeper into themselves... nothing else seemed to matter (of course other things mattered, but not really... at least in their minds.)

the future was inevitable - it was just the next stage and it looked like smooth sailing. (not to say it wasn't smooth sailing, but everyone has their rocky waters and stormy fronts)

before they knew it, they were engaged... things were moving faster now, although on the surface they seemed almost slow...

they were no longer school children. it stopped being a game a long time ago. they were growing up, faster - yet slower - than they realized...

but they still loved each other.

she still give tokens of her affection, he still tries to take care of her however he can...

they made their vows before God, before their family and friends... and >poof< - they were married...

but they were still growing, still learning about themselves and each other... it was a rollercoaster ride... and though you can't get off, you can steer a bit...

and here they are... still riding, still steering...

they are still in love...

and there is no end in sight...

::: ::: :::

everyday I thank God that he has brought you into my life...

from the girl I meet so many years ago, the woman you are now, to the woman will to become...

my love for you has grown deeper everyday... living with you, learning with you, and growing with you - though we are apart, I hold you in my heart...

these two years being married to you have been wonderful, not to mention the 9 years we have known each other...

I thank you for everything you are and for everything you have done, and I hope that I can make you the happiest woman in the world...

happy second anniversary!

forever will I be in love, and forever my heart will stay...

I love you!

"Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling 5 balls.

The balls are work, family, health, friends, and integrity.

And you're keeping them all in the air.

But one day you finally come to understand that

work is a rubber ball.

If you drop it, it will bounce back.

The four other balls -

family, health, friends, integrity - are made of glass.

If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered.

And once you truly understand the lesson of the five balls, you will have the beginnings of balance in your life."

~ James Patterson in Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas

7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. 9 Which one of you would hand his son a stone when he asks for a loaf of bread, 10 or a snake when he asks for a fish? 11 If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him.

~Book of Matthew