babiegoose.com

there are people who are born leaders... the people who become the emperors, the emperors advisors, the generals, and the foot soldiers...

I think I could do any of those roles, and I think I could do them well... the problem that I have with that is that I don't think I care enough to have those roles. that fact alone would make me not a good whatever... I can follow for a while, because following is easy... but I get bored with that... I can lead for a while large or small... but I think I'm too much of a control freak and given the trust issues that I have, I don't like being too far from the action, so smaller groups are my preference and I like to know everything that is going on...

I'm probably more along the lines of a mercenary, mostly because I am selfishly concerned with myself and my immediate interests than I am having to think and deal with long term issues. planning is something I can do, but something for which I do not have the heard. and given the nature of a merc's work, the job is usually solo or with a small two to four man group.

well, that's how I romanticze it. the other thing that I know about myself... I can take something and give you great ideas about how to make it better, but coming up with the original idea - not my forte... I can see all the pieces and figure out how best they should go together... big picture and all that, but I'm not one to create the big picture. so in essence, you can say that I am very good at criticizing other people's work, tearing it apart and putting it back together, than I am in building from scratch.

original ideas are very hard to come by, and I hope one day that I can have one of my very own.

retention and regurgitation. I am very good at that. I can remember and I can recite. I can even ad-lib a little.

I greatly appreciate others' abilities to be able to create, almost to the point of jealousy...

but not all of us are originators... I am more of an improvisor - not an innovator... macgyver versus edison

you can say that I'm a dreamer... but I'm not the only one.

I essentially spent a year living in connecticut.

if you would have asked me a year and three months ago - "would you ever live in connecticut?" I would say... "No way..." it was never one of the places that I ever thought I would stay, let alone live.

of course, that's nothing... lorie has been living in southern illinois for over two years... so really, I've got nothing on her...

but I'm going to be done with connecticut. probably never to return... unless my children decide to go to yale. but that's way off... considering that children aren't even close...

what does connecticut have? well, culturally speaking, I've only been to this anthenium place, where they have works of art... I also caught a jazz quartet there once. I saw the colt building - I think it's where they actually made colt handguns... there's also a river here. I drive by or over it every day. never really pondered it. I went to foxwoods and won two c-notes... I went to a restaurant that used to be a bank in which there is a vault that has tables and chairs for dining. other than that, it is your quitessential generica.

generica: the copy-and-paste cities that surround one or two social/business centers which included cookie-cutter homes, the smattering of big-box stores, shopping malls, and large chain restaurants, the death of small, local retailers.

the only thing different about the different parts of generica is the climate and the scenery.

so there are large cities with downtown areas, small cities with downtown areas, and generica. and farms. and slums. and trailer parks.

ugh. nevermind. this world is to big for these sweeping generalizations - a lot people won't travel more than 500 miles from their homes

I...
hate the rain and sunny weather...
and I...
hate the beach and mountains too...
oo ooo...
and I don.t like a thing about the city...
no, noo...
And I...
I...
I...
hate the countryside too!

you gotta keep 'em separated.

he-ey, don't pay no mind, you're under 18 and won't be doing anytiyiyme

he-ey, come on and play!

at what point can you start listening to songs that were played out a week after they were released?

I'm thinking about 7-10 years... because for some reason, and probably because I don't know which stations are which, in and around DC I've been hearing songs that I haven't heard since highschool.

so almost 10 years.

there are songs that will always remain cool, which never got played out but just quitely faded into the background (or oblivion)

but there are songs that were cool for a minutes, then just got camp, and eventually got annoying.

so I'm wondering when those annoying songs will ever be cool... if ever.

of course, this could also be a frame of reference thing.

there were a number of songs that I thought were terribly annoying in the 80's and 90's but if listened to now, they would be pretty cool...

if it weren't for the fact that embarssament accompanies knowing the lyrics (an harmonies) of a previously thought-of-as-annoying song...

(re: harold and kumar go to white castle - scene - "Hold On", Wilson Phillips)

you know the words.

but we all have our guilty secrets.

those songs that we sing at the top of our voice in the car when we are all alone, and then quickly turn down or turn off the radio when anyone is looking or listening.

I listen to pretty much all music.

except maybe for hate music or the like...

there is something that everyone can like in all forms of music - because seriously, to diss an entire genre by not giving it a chance is just dumb.

out of all the people that say, "I listen to everything, except country", how many people have actually listened to more than a few seconds of any of it, or maybe more than one song? because once you get past the whiny stuff it's just like any top 40 song...

you know, except for the label.

honestly, if I heard a few seconds of punk, classical, jazz, techno, or even pop and I was told to base my entire opinion of a genre on those few seconds, there is a strong psosibility that there would be no way in hell that I would listen to any music... (ignoring the fact that I was brought up learning and being around music most of my life)

we choose from what we are given, and if it is not given then we automatically dismiss it as a choice, because there are few people in the world (trust me, there are) that will venture outside their comfort zone...

call it fear, lazy, comfort, or whatever.

Even the people who claim to live outside of any comfort zone are really just not comfortable in a comfort zone, which then no comfort zone is really a comfort zone.

get it?

in any case, people like what they know, and they tend to avoid that which they don't know, but do what they have to because they must.

which is why holding hands is important, but must be used with discretion.

people are willing to go out of their zone if they trust the person leading them.

now, if they are lead out and then get beat down, you can bet dollars to donuts that they will use that life experience to never have to do it again...

but whatever.

I have wandered off topic.

again.

so maybe what I thought was annoying back then, really was just cool and I got tired of it, or maybe what I thought was annoying really was, and it will never ever come back.

but songs seem to be getting recycled at a much faster rate than before

in any case...

I'm waiting for someone to remake a classic...

and laugh when they screw it up completely.

until then, screw the radio and MTV can bite me...

I will stick to the 17+ gigs of mp3's (which is constantly growing, but is stored in an offshore, databank due to copyright laws, which I access through dial up AOL on my Mac via a static IP which is routed through 12 cities and two satellites... damn the man! you will never find me) and listen to them on my cd mp3 player in my car and my sony clie...

until something better comes along...

(and it doesn't rhyme with skypod)

I am trying to find my mind.
I believe that it took off when I was eating dinner last night.

I couldn't find it this morning.

I awoke with a start. Although nothing woke me, my phone decided to ring exactly one minute after I was wide awake... albeit for only a few minutes.

it was my wife. I immensely enjoy when it is her voice that I hear first thing in the morning, and not some alarm or some pre-recorded, wake-up call voice.

I fell right back asleep, because my head hurt and it was only 6:30am.

my alarm went off 15 minutes later.

scratch that.

alarms.

I am a procrastinator.

that means in everything...

which includes waking up in the morning. Put it off until the last possible minute.

So I set three alarms. The wake up call. The hotel room clock. The cell phone.

These items form a triangle around my bed. The hotel phone to the right. The clock on the left. The cell phone on the TV stand toward the foot of the bed.

This requires me to move in three different directions, in hopes that I will move enough to get out of bed.

It worked the first time... like 5 years ago.

since then, all it does is allows me to practice moving about a room, practically physically memorizing the layout, with my eyes closed and with my mind off...

I think what I need to do, is put a row of alarms that lead to the shower, the final alarm being in the shower, which would then turn on, once the alarm was turned off.

that might help.

but then, there is that part in the back of my head...

or the front, rather...

that says, "Hey, you know, most people are sleep deprived. Why don't you just take these few precious moments you have to just allow yourself to be less sleep deprived than others."

Now, how can I possibly argue with such sound logic?

I'm pretty good at debating, but, man, when I know I'm wrong, I will concede...

so there you have it.

... ... ...

by the way. I found my mind this morning, after having that vitamin supplement orange drink that lorie got for me.

but I am still sleepy.

isn't it funny...

when you are on the phone at work, your senses and volume are greatly determined by to whom you are talking...

If you are talking to a co-worker about a valid project, your supervisor, or whoever - as long as you are supposed to be having these conversations at work - your volume is normal to raised.

I know and have noticed that people tend to talk louder when it's "official" business...

plus, you don't seem to notice that you are talking extremely loud in front of the others in your area...

... ... ...

now.

when you are talking to your significant other, your best friend, or someone to whom you should not be talking during work hours...

your voice is barely about a whisper.

and you are extraordinarily aware of everything going on around you...

your co-worker typing away at his computer.

the manager walking by your cube area, glancing in at you.

the dust behind your monitor.

the buzzing of the florescent light about your desk.

... ... ...

your senses are heightend to almost Wolverinesque levels...

and you think that everyone can hear the conversation that you are not supposed to be having in the office.

... ... ...

but really...

nobody actually gives a shit about to whom you are talking and rather like the fact that you are not trying to talk over the entire office.

because they have work to do.

and so do you...

which is why you feel like you shouldn't be on the phone.

... ... ...

I'm just sayin...

there are times when I think that my handwriting is very similar to my late father's...

at least from memory. I am sure that I could find some pages with his writing on it, but sometimes my own handwriting reminds me of him.

hmph.

strange.

I thought I noticed it before, but maybe it was just my imagination.

running away with me.

... ... ...

so I found out something today.

the toll I paid on the way to work that I thought I didn't have money for but I did so I paid it... yeah, I was told that there is a way to get around it.

but I spent a whole 4 miles worried that I had no money, but I found that I had a $20 which was from my mom paying me back for some things that I bought her.

that was a good thing though.

without that money, the lady would have tken down my driver's license info.

last year, I went to a friend's nephew's birthday party, which was at a gymnastics facility. The people there allowed the young ones to play on the floor, the foam pit, and other apparatuses (er.. apparati?) in any case, they told us that the adults were not allowed on the equipment.

When I asked why, they mentioned that adults hurt themselves the most because they can no longer do what they think they can do.

I scoffed.

I was not given the opportunity to prove them wrong, however, and I just sat through the length of the party playing battleship with Luis.

... ... ...

last week, I was asked to sub for an indoor soccer game... it had been a few months, and as it has been shown to me, I am no longer as young as used to be, and every day I get farther from it.

the mind knows, but the body does not want to respond. It is very much the reason that practice makes perfect. You body gets into the rhythm of the motions that must be used to do that which you need it to do.

of course.

bottom line.

I slipped up three times, after I beat my defender.

my legs wouldn't move the way I wanted them to move.

in the almost four years of working as a consultant, today is the first day that I am without a project.

I must now report to the downtown detroit office a few times a week and check out what is going on, while I scan the project reports trying to find something good.

of course, I could accomplish this from home via my broadband connection to the network, but I need to expand my network whenever possible.

... ... ...

wild tangent -

how does NASA's ceritification on a matress have any relavence to whether or not I should by that matress? Does it mean that I can use tha matress to fly into space?

... ... ...

ok...

gotta get ready for a meeting.

bbl.

paintball and poker.

they are amongst the top of my list of most exciting things to do...

why wouldn't it be?

I was accompanied to the indoor paintball field by my best man, my brother-in-law, and my future brother-in-law... (everyone else was either broke or chicken... :-P)

... ... ...

paintball is a relatively simple sport to understand, to play even. the problem is, like racing, all other things being equal, your gear sets you apart.

Yes, there is strategy and there is patience and there is the balls to just run full out under heavy fire - but in the end, if your marker is a piece of crap, you are not going to tag anyone out...

basically, your marker needs to shoot straight, shoot far, and shoot consistently. if you don't have that, then you are a running target for the guy with the custom autococker, nirogen, evo II and thermal lenses. I'm not saying you need a super awesome marker, tank, hopper, and goggles - but you need a steady showing.

kind of like poker. although, poker, luck can play a huge role.not so much for the better players, but for the other guy... Sure, any two cards can win. well duh, but the person that knows the odds, knows the players, and knows how to bet can consistently come into the money...

of course, if you are really lucky, then you can play however and take out the best player because you have no clue what is going on and you are just throwing chips around.

In any case, I happen to be on point...

so I won.

sketchy, because it was my bachelor party, but you have to admit... I can kick ass if I feel like it - (that along with the utter lack of inebriation on my part)

in any case.

I think I was the first person to win his own classic.

... ... ...

well... I have forgotten a lot of this night, as it was a while ago (from the vantage of my actually writing this) so I will leave it there.

you'll remember...

... ... ...

from every corner of my mind, my past memories rush into the forefront.

I relive every moment as if it were yesterday.

walking around my house and up the stairs, holding my sister's hand while we look for Easter Eggs.

staying over Ninang's house during the time my parents spent in Europe.

watching scooby-doo, mr. rogers, and the friendly giant.

remembering my Lola's funeral and remembering being scared to touch her in her coffin, and seeing my mother weep for hers...

remembering deciding on what to name our new sister, and the day that she came home. remembering the sun and curtains casting a yellow tint on the family room at my grandfather's house, while I was watching tv.

in pre-school - taking naps on cots, and putting the paste in my bin because I thought it smelled good.

in kindergarten - man... do I remember a lot from kindergarten... from building forts from blankets, crates, and easels, and making bows and arrows from tinker toys and rubber bands. Performing my first choreographed dance to a cover of Thriller... learning to write on lined paper, learning about wax, mold, gourds, and baking pumpkin seeds... throwing juice on a classmate's face because she was pissing me off and dared me to do it...

picking up the Atari from the store and playing games with my grandfather, late into the night...

first grade - going to a private school for half a year and then moving, learning the word "assh*!@" and playing "Bruce Lee", "Congo Bongo", and "Castle Wolfenstein"

my first crush...

cap guns and coins at New Years...

getting in trouble for saying "sucks"

getting picked on for being "Chinese"

getting into fights

my second crush (second grade), which pretty much lasted to junior highschool

learning how to draw, to do math, to program in basic from the ACT books...

which-way books, choose your own adventure books, dungeons and dragon books, zork, adventure, leisure suit larry, test drive, maniac mansion...

learning to use a bb gun, playing with matches, playing with gasoline, playing with muriatic acid...

lighting my bed on fire

my first cigarette, my first cigar, my first drink of alcohol, my first kiss...

my first...

... ... ...

never before and never since, I promise, will the whole world be warm as this.
And as you feel it, you'll know it's true - that you are blessed and lucky.

all of the people that touched my life.

people I have used.

people that have used me.

the direction of my future is propelled by the sape of my past and by my ability to guide myself and to be guided by Him.

It's true that you are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you.

my faith.

losing it. desperately trying to disprove it. only to realize the arrogance of that action, resulting in the building of the foundation of those very beliefs which will grow and continue to grow.

the understanding the depth of the love of a mother for her children. the sacrifices made, the knowledge imparted, and the fact that there is no handbook, no guide that is a perfect fit for any mom.

These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.

family jokes... family gatherings... family dinners... weddings... births...

remembering, even in death...

going to the bar with kris and luis and pam and stacee and denise and thai and dave.

trips to the west coast, the east coast, the south, alaska, hawaii, and canada...

the philippines, the mediterranean, japan, thailand, the carribbean...

getting motion sick in cars, on charter boats, casino boats, cruise ships, a on planes...

watching the drool escape during hangovers, prior to puking, prior to passing out on the floor of the hotel room...

in the bathroom.

These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.

meeting lorie...

falling in love with her.

over and over and over again.

And when you do, you'll know how it was meant to be.

realizing that no one has it all figured out.

that we all worry (it's like a rocking chair, sure it gives you something to do, but you don't get anywhere)

that we all cry (I still do, don't you?)

that we all are capable of greatness...

and that we are all capable of letting it all pass by.

See the signs and know their meaning.

sometimes, the sign is so big that you really need to take a few steps back to see it.

other times, the signs can be so small that they are easily overlooked.

they are speaking...

to you.