babiegoose.com

the club scene.

at one point, you just start to feel too old or too good for it... maybe it's because you are too old, or maybe your are that cool or stand on morally higher ground than those that still do... maybe you can't dance and wish you could so that you could go... maybe you can't dance and wish you could and you go, but you just stand around taking up space and oogling the other patrons... maybe you wish you could go, but you much better reasons not to go and you have much stronger will power and are able to do what you have to or do what you should...

1. the majority of the people at the club can't dance. period. doesn't matter, it's not a competition, they are just having fun. let them - you judgemental prick.

2. girls will always be catty. period. doesn't matter if you are just standing around. it'll happen especially if you are dancing. and it's open season if you dress badly.

3. there will always be a better place to go. fight the urge to go there. chances are, the place you are at will be completely fine for all your purposes. unless you completely picked the wrong type of music. whatever the case, you can always drink until the music sounds good, however that approach is highly not recommended.

4. pissed off girls are not fun to have around. period. if they are pissed and you are with them, find someone else to hang around, because it's not a good situation. if they are pissed off and sober, they will either get drunk and become a huge mess or they will just be that much worse and number 2. will seem like a happy memory. if they are pissed off and drunk, the will either start fighting or start crying, neither which is good. if you can. make them happy. do anything to make them happy. if they are pissed off and you don't know them - stay away or be a jerk. if you try to be nice, you probably will piss them off more, and if you are a jerk - well, you're just meeting their expectations.

5. there will always be more guys than girls. if there isn't, there will be. guys are much more stupidly optimistic that they can "pick up chicks". remember this, because it will be true wherever you go. there will always be better looking guys than you. there will always be a better dancer than you. there will always be guys with more (in most cases, much more) game than you. there will always be someone who is probably more drunk that you. there will always be someone who is more creepy than you. if not - if you happen to hit one of the extremes. depending on the situation, you should use it to your advantage or you should leave. immediately. but whatever, it doesn't mean you shouldn't stop trying to have a good time - unless a good time by you is scoring, then you will most likely fail. statistics kid. deal with it.

6. girls - please realize this. given the above, you will always be able to find someone to make you feel hotter than you are, to make you feel like you have a great sense of humor, or to make you think you are a good conversationalist. that is, of course, unles you are a butt-ugly. even if you are a minorly attractive, you will be able to find someone to boost your ego, even a little. that said, don't think that you will be able to stop taking any type of medication, and it doesn't help if you get too inebriated. also, for some reason, this fact will also not stop girls from being bitches towards each other. i stopped trying to understand it a long time ago... probably some primordal territorial thing... whatever. it won't stop, so stop trying, because you will just piss them off - and then... well see item 4.

7. there is no shame in saying "No" or "Stop" or "I'm done". why? because no one will remember that you did. also, if you don't drink, no one really cares, as long as you aren't a party pooper. if you are a party pooper, you should not go out. you aren't any fun - hence the name. but that's not me. :-P in any case - lately, I have been sticking to the 3 drink rule. because of this, I have lowered my tolerance for alcohol and I don't mind because drinking stopped being fun for me a long time ago. if I get drunk now, it's because I did it on accident. seriously. and most of the time, people think I'm constantly drunk... so win win for me - I can just pretend I'm drunk and get the benefit of being able to blame alcohol for whatever I did and not have to deal with the morning aftermath.

8. if you want to go home - leave. because in the end, people will only miss you for a few minutes and then again when you talk to them later about what you missed. after those collective 5 or 10 minutes, no one noticies anymore. also, if you stick around, you run the chance of being a party pooper, and no one likes a party pooper. if you get sick - leave. because in the end, you are only hurting yourself. if you get sick at the bar - don't fight it, but as soon as you are done, leave - because you are already in for a crappy next morning. nothing good can come out of you staying.

9. you really are never too old to go out. you just have to make sure you go to the right place, because there is such a thing as being too old for the bar you are in. there is also such a thing as being to young, but that's not nearly as creepy. people will only know that you are too old if you look too old (face and hair), you dress too old (ugh, please), or you keep talking about how old you are/feel/look (at this point you have started to become a party pooper - stop immediately). if you look too old and you try to act young - you stop looking old and start looking stupid and sad and creepy and old all at the same time. you should leave. you should leave 10 minutes ago if you can manage, but probably best case for you now is to leave immediately. do not pass go. do not collect $200... oh yeah - I said it.

10. there are always exceptions to the above. I will not commit them to text. but whatever exception there is to the above - chances are, you won't come across it. if you do, be happy, but don't expect it to happen again.

I don't think I can ever quit the scene. I like dancing too much and it's almost part of my job. I am, however, starting to feel too old - though I try not to think or talk about it. one day, I hope to be able to stay home and reminisce about how much fun I used to have - but I stopped because of every good reason that I have for not wanting to go out now.

whatever. even though I do feel the need to socialize, between work and the airports, I can live with going out just once a month. or even once every other month.

I'm easy.

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can I go home now? please?