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doing...

everything is linked. everything is intertwined.

you say one things and a few months later people think you are crazy.

of course, you might actually be crazy - but whatever - you probably aren't.

there is a modicum of order in which we live. there is order because we trust. in order for us to trust, that requires faith.

without order then the many things which we take for granted are no longer afforded to us. crossing the street or drinking water. when there is no order, there is no trust. without trust, we lose faith...

and without faith we have nothing.

we have rules for a reason.

they are there to provide a sound structure around what society deems best for certain situations.

some rules are never meant to be broken...

others are just guidelines...

we cannot always follow the rules laid down by man because sometimes we don't know that some rules we have placed upon ourselves are restricting development. so we break some now and again because we believe that by doing so will increase the untility in the world.

however, we cannot just blatantly ignore all of the rules, because by doing so, there can be no foundation of trust and understanding from which everyone can draw...

the thing is, if something is flexible, then everything must necessarily be flexibe, right?

no - just because one thing is flexible, doesn't mean that everything has to be...

whatever.

so I'm in that in between age again...

at least at work.

I'm not a spring chicken, but I'm not a grizzled veteran. I'm not young, but I'm not quite old.

I feel like I'm 13 again. Not the unsure of my body-changing-voice-don't-know-how-to-talk-to-girls feeling, but more of the feeling that I can no longer do the things that younger ones could do, but not quite old enough to hang out with the older ones...

outside work - in my peer group (+/- 5 years) - there are the divides between those that are single, those that are just married or about to be married, and those with kids...

I guess you can probably break it down it to many more groups, but I think those are the the most prevalent ones (in my experience)

no one is, really.

most of us get a good idea of what our faults are over time, either by making mistakes and examining them or by being told, not listening and then making mistakes and examining them.

There're many things I wish I didn't do, but would I have become a better person by not doing them? Would I have learned the same lessons? not sure about that. But I continue learning, where I get aggravated is when I (or others) repeat the same mistake - as lorie can attest, however, I do make many mistakes over and over - but that's different. I think.

maybe not.

I could say I regret my past decisions, telling people "I never meant to do those things to you" but really - I'm not so sure that I do regret. I wouldn't be where I am today - how do I know if one little change wouldn't change my life for the worse. It's all really moot anyway, because we can't change the past, so why continue to let it bother me? just accept that you need to adjust for the future and move on.

And so I have to say before I go that even though I don't regret my past decisions, I do apologize for them when I've hurt some one, be it accidentally or willfully. Another thing that I just want you to know is that I will continue to make mistakes, but we learn from them...

isn't it amazing how changes in life don't seem to happen gradually, but many times, instantly? Major paradigm shifts in your life open up the different facets to a person... highschool, college, significant others... I found a reason for me to change who I used to be during my college years - instead of the guy that was completely and utterly selfish and unfaithful (in many different ways) - I became...

um...

less selfish, and not unfaithful.

:-P

some people, they tend not to change, given that they don't have a reason to start over new... whether it be lack of focus or vision, ambition or luck, or just self-doubt or no one to give them that little boost of confidence.

I have been blessed that I have had many different people to kick me in the pants when I was down on myself, or full of myself rather.

and the reason is you


Read more.

the club scene.

at one point, you just start to feel too old or too good for it... maybe it's because you are too old, or maybe your are that cool or stand on morally higher ground than those that still do... maybe you can't dance and wish you could so that you could go... maybe you can't dance and wish you could and you go, but you just stand around taking up space and oogling the other patrons... maybe you wish you could go, but you much better reasons not to go and you have much stronger will power and are able to do what you have to or do what you should...

1. the majority of the people at the club can't dance. period. doesn't matter, it's not a competition, they are just having fun. let them - you judgemental prick.

2. girls will always be catty. period. doesn't matter if you are just standing around. it'll happen especially if you are dancing. and it's open season if you dress badly.

3. there will always be a better place to go. fight the urge to go there. chances are, the place you are at will be completely fine for all your purposes. unless you completely picked the wrong type of music. whatever the case, you can always drink until the music sounds good, however that approach is highly not recommended.

4. pissed off girls are not fun to have around. period. if they are pissed and you are with them, find someone else to hang around, because it's not a good situation. if they are pissed off and sober, they will either get drunk and become a huge mess or they will just be that much worse and number 2. will seem like a happy memory. if they are pissed off and drunk, the will either start fighting or start crying, neither which is good. if you can. make them happy. do anything to make them happy. if they are pissed off and you don't know them - stay away or be a jerk. if you try to be nice, you probably will piss them off more, and if you are a jerk - well, you're just meeting their expectations.

5. there will always be more guys than girls. if there isn't, there will be. guys are much more stupidly optimistic that they can "pick up chicks". remember this, because it will be true wherever you go. there will always be better looking guys than you. there will always be a better dancer than you. there will always be guys with more (in most cases, much more) game than you. there will always be someone who is probably more drunk that you. there will always be someone who is more creepy than you. if not - if you happen to hit one of the extremes. depending on the situation, you should use it to your advantage or you should leave. immediately. but whatever, it doesn't mean you shouldn't stop trying to have a good time - unless a good time by you is scoring, then you will most likely fail. statistics kid. deal with it.

6. girls - please realize this. given the above, you will always be able to find someone to make you feel hotter than you are, to make you feel like you have a great sense of humor, or to make you think you are a good conversationalist. that is, of course, unles you are a butt-ugly. even if you are a minorly attractive, you will be able to find someone to boost your ego, even a little. that said, don't think that you will be able to stop taking any type of medication, and it doesn't help if you get too inebriated. also, for some reason, this fact will also not stop girls from being bitches towards each other. i stopped trying to understand it a long time ago... probably some primordal territorial thing... whatever. it won't stop, so stop trying, because you will just piss them off - and then... well see item 4.

7. there is no shame in saying "No" or "Stop" or "I'm done". why? because no one will remember that you did. also, if you don't drink, no one really cares, as long as you aren't a party pooper. if you are a party pooper, you should not go out. you aren't any fun - hence the name. but that's not me. :-P in any case - lately, I have been sticking to the 3 drink rule. because of this, I have lowered my tolerance for alcohol and I don't mind because drinking stopped being fun for me a long time ago. if I get drunk now, it's because I did it on accident. seriously. and most of the time, people think I'm constantly drunk... so win win for me - I can just pretend I'm drunk and get the benefit of being able to blame alcohol for whatever I did and not have to deal with the morning aftermath.

8. if you want to go home - leave. because in the end, people will only miss you for a few minutes and then again when you talk to them later about what you missed. after those collective 5 or 10 minutes, no one noticies anymore. also, if you stick around, you run the chance of being a party pooper, and no one likes a party pooper. if you get sick - leave. because in the end, you are only hurting yourself. if you get sick at the bar - don't fight it, but as soon as you are done, leave - because you are already in for a crappy next morning. nothing good can come out of you staying.

9. you really are never too old to go out. you just have to make sure you go to the right place, because there is such a thing as being too old for the bar you are in. there is also such a thing as being to young, but that's not nearly as creepy. people will only know that you are too old if you look too old (face and hair), you dress too old (ugh, please), or you keep talking about how old you are/feel/look (at this point you have started to become a party pooper - stop immediately). if you look too old and you try to act young - you stop looking old and start looking stupid and sad and creepy and old all at the same time. you should leave. you should leave 10 minutes ago if you can manage, but probably best case for you now is to leave immediately. do not pass go. do not collect $200... oh yeah - I said it.

10. there are always exceptions to the above. I will not commit them to text. but whatever exception there is to the above - chances are, you won't come across it. if you do, be happy, but don't expect it to happen again.

I don't think I can ever quit the scene. I like dancing too much and it's almost part of my job. I am, however, starting to feel too old - though I try not to think or talk about it. one day, I hope to be able to stay home and reminisce about how much fun I used to have - but I stopped because of every good reason that I have for not wanting to go out now.

whatever. even though I do feel the need to socialize, between work and the airports, I can live with going out just once a month. or even once every other month.

I'm easy.

... ... ...

can I go home now? please?

you may not know this, but as a chem e. I had to work in a plant and I learned about the many different kinds of valves

ballvalves, check valves, choke valves, gate valves, butterfly valves...

they use different valves for different purposes. some are for strictly on and off, some are for flow control, some for solids, some for liquids, some for gas... two way and three way valves... there are even those that stop reverse flow and others that use freezing to stop flow...

crazy hunh?

personalities are very widespread, yet we can narrow most people to one of 16 personality types (using the MBTI)

anyway, back to my point, I think that personalities are a lot like valves...

some can't control the flow - so it's all or nothing for them... some are stuck so all you get is a trickle...
some leak, so you will always get something, even when you don't want anything
some freeze, some just go everywhere, some can't make decisions...

you get the picture.

where was I going with this?

... ... ...

good question.

where was I going with this?

I was going to make some kind of correlation between different kinds of valves and personalities, but I don't know enough different valves to cover the 16 mbti types. plus, after a bit of research, the mbti types are almost like horoscopes - they are vague enough that they will fit whatever personality type you think you want, plus the people that invented the tests aren't even psychologists and the results from them are questionable. you also really can't do a double blind, because how the hell do you know what a person is thinking? you don't, you can only ask them and hope they aren't lying.

people don't need therapists because they want to get help, they see therapists to validate themselves, to get permission to do the things they think they want to do.

here's the clincher. you have a choice. one or the other or another.

you pick one and then you live with the consequences. don't hem and haw about it.

just go.

if you don't you will be stuck in a rut for the rest of your life.

but that's the problem, isn't it.

consequences.

people are afraid to live with the aftermath of their decisions. I don't blame them, I'm scared as hell to make decisions that will change the life to which I have become accustomed. we want things in a neat little package with all of the answers all wrapped up and waiting to be opened. the problem is, there will never be that package, that package does not exist. there is no easy way.

"life isn't fair. it's just fairer than death, that's all." ~ goldman, the princess bride

so open up your valve before you permanently rupture and destroy your life line.

peace outside.

so, I think they fixed the lights just above and behind my cube... it's noticably brighter, and that is the only thing I can think of, unless my eyes are getting better.

it's amazing what you get used to, and then when you get something better, you realize how much better it is now...
or the opposite, how you've had something so good for so long, but then when you drop it for something else, you realize how much better you had it where you were, as opposed to you have have now...

crazy.

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and Third by experience, which is the bitterest.

~Confucius

There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty puss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The hip-hip-hoo-fuckin' rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others.

Actually it's... it's quite, you know... typical behavior when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. You know, this kind of co-dependent, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you're all, like, "Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!"

so we all know someone whom everyone - everyone - just tears apart when they aren't in the room.

of course you are usually civil to the person when they are around, and given a long enough absence, even friendly towards...

but man - I get paranoid - because I'm present during many conversations about those individuals whom no one really cares all that much for and who annoy them to no end - I sometimes wonder if I am ever the topic of such loathsome discussions... you never know... I think everyone talks about everyone to some extent, although probably not to the degree of disgust about whom others are discussed...

but we will talk about the talkers in a second... let's talk about the targets.

these are the people who usually talk a lot about stuff they think they know and usually get in trouble because they don't know nearly as much... they also think they can talk their way out of any situation, when really their mouths act as shovels - digging them deeper and deeper in to humiliation to which they are blissfully unaware.

or worse... they are completely aware and they are unable to stop because something compels them... and that's a physical condition which sucks for them, but hey - what can you do.

anyhow, these are the people that clear conversation killers. any group gathered discussing anything at all will be immediately dispersed once this individual begins talking. these are also the individuals whom no one will talk to unless absolutely necessary. People do not stop by their desks to chat.

these are the people that come up during bar conversations and are laughed at, cried over, and vented about... (which was the case last night for me an several co-workers... at one point, my judgement was not nearly as sound as it should be - due to my love-him/hate-him friend jagermeister - and I ended up playing bloody knuckles with a 300lb 6'6" 10th degree black belt... fortunately for me, he missed a bunch of times and I escaped with nice bruise on between my middle and ring knuckles.)

anyhow - these people are important - most day-to-day work becomes repetition and these annoying people are the glue that unites all other co-workers...

well, aside from other shared interests and common bonding topics...

but whatever.

so about the talkers... gossip is normal. everyone does it, but I guess it should really be done less than it is, but some times getting into other people's business is the only thing to do.

why?

because it is impersonal - you can talk about it for hours without having to invest all that much personally. you can also talk about while only revealing the tiniest bits of information about yourself (like you gossip about people, and you wouldn't do x or y or z so you disapprove of things)

because you just need to vent - sometimes the things that other people do just piss you off that if you didn't have any kind of release then you would probably go insane (which is why humans do rememeber exactly everything at all times) and other people are there to help you release that frustration.

because you are a jerk. well, this isn't always the case, but face it - some of the things that come out of your mouth aren't of the model of the upstanding citizen types...

the fact is, there will always be that person that everyone talks about when they aren't there, and truthfully - someone will have something to say about something you did no matter who you are - and what they say won't always be pretty.

buck up.

the only thing you can do is to do what you think is right at the moment you make the decision to do something - forget what people will think and forget about whether the thing that you thought was right turns out to be wrong because you thought it was right and now you learned something. worrying about what other people think will just make you miserable.

if you do that, at least when people talk about you behind your back and you find out, you can always say "I did what I thought was right at the time" and that's the best anyone can do...

no matter how much they talk, they have to respect that no one knows everything and it takes a lot to do the right thing... even if it turns out to be the wrong thing because no one is perfect.

oh... another thing you can do is to try and not talk about that someone and maybe talking to that someone... I tried once. it wasn't pretty.