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but you know that warm feeling of OH CRAP! which washes over you like a wave after you know you just messed up and now you are trying to figure out how to fix it as fast as possible, and in that moment your whole world seems like it could possibly be in another universe where the normal rules of physics do not apply and you can somehow magically fix everything by hitting an undo button or something but in the very next instant you know you cannot, so then there is an instant of panic where you think the whole world is gonna end, and then the next instant you realize that it probably won't be that bad and then...

well, then you look again, and you realize that you didn't mess anything up and that whole instant (or three) seemed like an eternity, and somehow it was, but it really wasn't, but then all you are left with is relief that you didn't screw something up, as well as the aftermath of all of the feelings that you felt in such a miniscule amount of time.

sometimes, those feelings are so strong and they linger long after their full effects are felt.

if I could bottle that feeling, I bet I could blow up mountains.

yeah. not cool.

yeah, so I thought I wouldn't be able to blog a lot, but today, everyone left early. weird. it's only 5:45pm and half the team is gone.

you know you're putting in too many hours when 12 hour days seem normal and you almost feel guilty about leaving at 8:30pm after you rolled in at 7am.

I am going to charge a $#!^load of overtime. because I can. and I will because you know what &#@% work.

in other news. besides the wii we picked up a tablet pc laptop. fun. I like to draw on the computer screen.

I have lost over 15 lbs. it is safe to say, after not weigh myself for over a year, that I now weigh 145. i had to take my shoes off because it said 148 with them on. I checked two scales too because I didn't believe the first one. it has taken a little less than two months for this change, but yeah. it's been done.

my pants no longer fit.

my goal is to only put in 12 hours today, run, lift, and eat fried coconut shrimp in the lounge. hopefully they will still have some.

one of the clients, in a meeting, described a bitter divorce story about how he signed away his car to his ex-wife in blood.

weirdo.

I miss everyone.

my hope is that I don't have to work this weekend.

if you want a life of happiness, you live moment to moment, without regard for the past or future.

if you want to live a life of meaning, you must constantly relive the past mistakes and always look ahead to the future.

can someone tell me where I heard that?

I think I remember. but I want you to tell me.

I think it's possible to have both. you just have to try harder.

the worst thing that can happen is that you could die.

so what.

life doesn't stop at death.

yeah. those who know, know. those who don't, should.

so right now I'm waiting for my laundry to finish, so I can finish packing.

lorie came home tonight, she surprised me by taking an earlier standby back. it's a good thing, because there is a stong possibility that I won't be able to come home next weekend, and thus I would not have been able to see her for another three weeks. but hopefully I won't have to stay the weekend, because I already don't like how things are going on the project, and forcing me to work a weekend onsite wouldn't be one of the ways I would try to increase my satisfaction. [update @15:48] yeah, it was great seeing lorie for the few hours I had to spend with her, I even got to sleep for an hour before having to leave for my flight this (monday) morning. we got some food from shangrila and I showed her the wii, but she wasn't excited about it. probably because she was tired. we do, however, have 4 controllers now, and 3 nunchuks... lorie mentioned something about nintendo stopping shipping for a while, but that doesn't matter now I don't think... anyhow, gotta get back to work... [/update @15:53]

so I've decided to take a new view on things. one, stop letting stuff at work bug me as much.

this task is more difficult than it seems. ideally, I would quit and find a job that pays just as much with none of the traveling, none of the stress, and sane work hours. the problem is, if such a jobs exists, I don't know where to start looking to find it, I don't know if 'd be qualified for it, and in the end, work in general sucks.

two, I've decided that once I get the jlp back up, it will be monthly. frankly, I'm tired of creating additional pressure on a life that seems to have nothing but - except those few rare moments when I can escape. this is most probably the reason why I chose to take a follower role or a less punctual approach when dealing with things when I'm not getting paid for them. take my time when I have the time to take it, because i'm not allowed to take my time when someone decides that you can do a job in a third of the time because that someone said that it could be done, when in reality it shouldn't be done that way, but hey that someone needed to make a sale so damn the worker bees. other things that will go to monthly. blogging. yeah, no time. like I said, i'm only waiting for my laundry to finish right now.

three. bills. those suck. they come monthly too, but that's not my choice. I just have to make sure they get paid.

crap.

I gotta go do that right now.