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I used to wonder how some people can so "blindly" give themselves to a person. especially in the situations where, from an outsider's perspective, that person is utterly being used, abused, or the love is so unilateral...

I used to wonder, "why would they let themselves get hurt like that" or I would feel sorry that they couldn't find love that would love them back... love breaks your heart...

I used to wonder, but I think I understand... you really can't help with whom you fall in love... sometimes, some people just touch your heart and you fall in love with them. it might not make sense, but it happens... love makes it hard...

and it fades away so easily... hmm... I do not agree... sometimes "love" is just lust, masquerading as love, because when it is love - even if you are no longer in love with them, you still love them - even no matter how much...

love I think is more of a connection - at a spiritual level, because physical attraction is easy, it fades, and it is quickly forgotten. a flashfire compare to the slow, deep burn of real love...

but when you do love someone, unilateral or not, you will do anything you can for them... but tread carefully - because if the one that you love clearly does not love you back, then you must be able to accept that and move on. you must be able to find a love that will give love back. you can hold onto your other feelings, but you have to be careful that you do not let them keep you from having other meaningful relationships... love takes no less than everything.

or you can hold onto those feelings and live the rest of your life pining for that one love.

that is your choice...

now marriage, real marriage, imho, is the sacrament in which man and woman are joined by God's divine grace to share a lifelong, faithful union in which children will accepted willing without any artificial contraception. marriage cannot be dissolved except by death. (so no divorce - btw an annulment means that the actual marriage never existed, meaning that part of the required criteria for marriage was not met and therefore the couple was never really married)

when you marry someone, it has to be a very concious decision. you have to be willing to say, no matter what - no matter what I am going to stick with you until one of us dies.

I think about that and I am floored. as long as you both shall live. that was the stipulation. in my heart I felt it, but when you actually think about it and say it outloud. you're really not messing around. the funny thing, is that I do think about it, and I am happy with it. I would love to be able to be with my wife whenever possible... but you enter into things that you find you have trouble getting out of... (of course, there really is no getting out of marriage) and suddenly the important things that you should be thinking about get pushed to the background.

i've really had to take a step back and look at what I really want in my life. for a while there, I had no clue. in fact, I still am a bit clueless. but I still have to keep moving forward, because I don't want to get stuck in a rut. I don't want try to go back to the way things were, because I will end up doing the same things over and over again, going in circles. I want to expand and I want to grow. my life, my faith, my love. I just need to be patient. I love my wife. and I will wait for her forever. how do I show love without smothering? how do I show love without looking distant? what does she really want? what do I really want?

what I really want...

hmm...

love.

that's pretty much it.

fall 1997...

the boy had no idea what he was getting into... it was just a game to him.

but he still didn't know. he didn't know what was in store... the girl seemed to be very sweet. she "loaned" him money all the time, without batting an eye lash (I say "loaned" because he really had no intention of paying her back - yes, he was a jerk) - and she even covered his little sister when they took her along. she remembered that he liked some stupid comic book character and even bought him a few of the figures for sweetest day - she didn't expect anything from him, but there she was, giving him presents...

she was looking for someone, anyone to hang out with, moving to a new school does that, but when people, who you think are friends, dismiss you all the time, it starts to wear you down...

he was playing a game. she was looking for a friend.

somewhere along the way, they fell in love. maybe not at the same time, but it happened. he said it first (so he claims) she said it later (not too much later, but I'm sure when he said it the first time, it threw her off a bit)

they didn't know what they were getting into - they were still growing as individuals, yet they were also growing as a couple. strange, all the places life takes you with you not even realizing it.

school... work... school... family... friends... work... family... friends... etc...

so they fall deeper and deeper into themselves... nothing else seemed to matter (of course other things mattered, but not really... at least in their minds.)

the future was inevitable - it was just the next stage and it looked like smooth sailing. (not to say it wasn't smooth sailing, but everyone has their rocky waters and stormy fronts)

before they knew it, they were engaged... things were moving faster now, although on the surface they seemed almost slow...

they were no longer school children. it stopped being a game a long time ago. they were growing up, faster - yet slower - than they realized...

but they still loved each other.

she still give tokens of her affection, he still tries to take care of her however he can...

they made their vows before God, before their family and friends... and >poof< - they were married...

but they were still growing, still learning about themselves and each other... it was a rollercoaster ride... and though you can't get off, you can steer a bit...

and here they are... still riding, still steering...

they are still in love...

and there is no end in sight...

::: ::: :::

everyday I thank God that he has brought you into my life...

from the girl I meet so many years ago, the woman you are now, to the woman will to become...

my love for you has grown deeper everyday... living with you, learning with you, and growing with you - though we are apart, I hold you in my heart...

these two years being married to you have been wonderful, not to mention the 9 years we have known each other...

I thank you for everything you are and for everything you have done, and I hope that I can make you the happiest woman in the world...

happy second anniversary!

forever will I be in love, and forever my heart will stay...

I love you!