babiegoose.com

so I'm busy at work, but you know those little spells where you are between tasks and/or are waiting on other people to complete your predecessors? what do you do?

typically, I go online and read everyone's blogs. I check e-mail and I read some news.

lately, I've been doing that in under 10 minutes... I don't write too many e-mails, I can't chat with people really, and it doesn't take all that much time to go through blogs these days...

I then browse the random sites linked by other people, but I try to avoid sites that are too flashy or filled with too many pictures. you know, because of the work environment and how it would look...

I sometimes think about blogging something, but usually I don't have enough time to finish any thoughts to the degree where I would post them... I probably have 10 or 12 partiually finished blogs just chilling...

anyhow... as usual, I have to get back to work... with me still trying to figure out what I'm going to do when I next have a lull...

i am about to leave.

...

regarding time, my week is half done.

...

I am too busy to think right now...

probably one of the best reasons to subscribe to HBO, but last night I finished the entire 2nd season of entourage... finally...

I wasn't able to watch the series as it unfolded due to the fact that premium cable just doesn't make sense right now for us... so I will have to wait until I go to a house with HBO ondemand or I will have to wait to buy the third season on dvd...

random... I know.

but it is a good show.

He's here....finally. 7/20/06 at 7:24 PM weighing 7 lbs. 8 oz. and is 20.5 inches long. I can't wait to meet him!! Someone please post pictures!!

trainer: "Has anyone here used Jack's pee?"

me: [to myself] "heh heh heh"

[then looking at the slide on the screen - "JAXP"]

me: "oh..."

I broke a nail at training during an ice breaker...

it hurts.

:-(

Louis Tully: Your Honor, ladies and gentleman of the... of the audience, I don't think it's fair to call my clients frauds.

Sure, the blackout was a big problem for everybody. I was trapped in an elevator for two hours and I had to make the whole time.

But I don't blame them...

Because one time, I turned into a dog and they helped me.

Thank you.

Egon: Very good Louis. Short, but pointless.

so I'm listening to Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix whilst I work...

and I am getting SO mad because of Dolores Umbridge...

UGH!

I'm not sure how most people are, but I get a little stressed out if I have to call and talk to someone to do something over the phone...

I actually have no problem talking to people, but there is just something about having to deal with a person that you cannot see...

ordering food, dealing will bills, making reservations...

for me it is because voice communication is in efficient when dealing with details... numbers or orders can be misheard or mis typed by the person inputting the information... static, having to deal with a snotty rep or customer... whatever...

this is why the advent of online orders is great. the onus is on the consumer - or the tech support guys, but mainly on the consumer - for inputting the correct information. if something gets screwed up, 99% of the time, it is your fault.

I can live with that.

I can order my dim sum, books, dvd's, furniture, hardware, software, clothes, etc online and if I so choose I can get it the next day (for the additional cost of overnight) or wait a few weeks if it is a pre-order, or wait a week if it is ground.

even with shipping most things you can get online are cheaper than any store...

but I digress... I don't know what it is about having to make that call, but I seriously hate thinking about having to do it... oh, I've got to call this person because of this, and then I have to call with this person because of that...

maybe it's just because, sometimes, I don't like to deal with people... you ever get in that mood? not wanting to deal with people?

probably the main reason why I will sit at home by myself and not call or talk to anyone until I absolutely need to.

why?

because "people" have expectations... "people" judge you... "people" can easily make a "person" very uncomfortable...

you can trust "people" but if that trust gets shattered a few times it is hard to put yourself out there again.

don't judge me. video games don't judge me... they might mock me, but they don't judge.

same thing with food.

:-P

but remember...

don't over indulge...

because food and video games are just what they are...

food and video games are not love.

no matter how exciting the week before was, for some reason, work drums out everything given enough time.

it has been only two days since I have left brownsville, but due to the monotony repetition that comes with having a job, it might have been a year ago.

you see, lately I've been noticing that things that happen a few months ago, or even a year ago, are still very fresh in my head.

take the last time I saw luis, for instance... the last time I saw him was at my wedding. almost two years ago.

we picked up like it had been only a few days.

it's like that with a lot of my friends. it's good and sad at the same time. but we all have things to do, and we can't hang out all the time.

there are those friends, however that one must "handle" if they haven't been around for a while. probably more so because they are not as close as one would think, but probably also because of some history or whatever...

in any case, days are to hours as weeks are to days as months are to weeks, as years are to months...

I've been told though that it shifts once you have children, and it shifts several times...

I'm in my late twenties... yet I keep thinking that I'm in my early mid-twenties...

some people say because I'm married, I've automatically added ten years to my age... which probably means to them I'm in my early mid-thirties...

but I still get carded... which means that I look like I'm in my early twenties... but because I'm fat and out of shape, I feel like I'm in my mid-I'm-fat-and-out-shape-ties...

I just want to go home.

have I wasted my life?

what have I accomplished?

where do these "accomplishments" stand in the true meaning of what really matters?

what really matters?

it's funny how you can be completely content with yourself for a moment, and then feel completely vapid and hollow the next... how does that happen.

we as humans have this innate need to belong. we long for something greater, something more...

sometimes we choose to ignore that feeling, that calling, and maybe that's why we get into trouble sometimes.

or maybe, sometimes, we are trying so hard to get to that point, we overlook that which we really need.

what do I really need?

Are our deeds are only as good as they are remembered? God keeps score, so I guess they aren't, but it's true - sometimes we just need those words of approval, of encouragement so that we can keep moving through a life that is intermingled with happiness and hardship... the latter which we remember more - or so it seems to me.

we wallow in our unhappiness because it is stable. too many times have people tried to take away whatever happiness one achieves, simply because those that do not have it are jealous of it. but if we stay unhappy, if we believe that unhappiness is where everything should be, then we can accept that an move on.

"Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness."

how true. when our hope is shattered we are defeated. there is no fight except any rage that might keep us going.

defiance. the other thing that can give us strength after hope. knowing that there is no hope and to fight for the sheer act of rebelling... grim satisfaction, indeed.

perhaps the ritual of gorging on food is simply and attempt to fill the void that we feel within ourselves because we feel lost in life.

what are we looking for?

what stops me from changing?

fear. simple as that. we are comforable in our discomfort... the devil you know, and all that... we know what we have (or do not have) and we have become used to it. we settle merely because the thought to trying to reach for a different goal and failing is to hard for us to handle.

"When you want something, all the world conspires in helping you to achieve it."

we simple have to put for the effort, don't we?

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

can we live with that failure if we do? are we able to just dust ourselves off and try again?

when people have their quarter or mid-life crisis, they find out that they aren't living the life that maybe they thought they should. everything that they have dreamed of has not come to pass. their lives have taken a turn and they no longer know where they are going or what they want.

"I've got it all, the house that's too big, the car I can't afford, and the vacation home I never go to"

what am I afraid of?

why can't I just keep moving forward.

why do I constantly keep getting caught caring about the little insignificant details that have nothing to do with anything and don't help anyone?

I need to do something.

I just don't know what it is.