babiegoose.com

so you know when you have work to do, and you should be doing it, and although you can probably keep working, you just stop because you want to take a break and get away?

that's happening now.

except now, they are getting dinner if we are staying later... which I was on the fence about - the whole staying later thing...

so I'm going to stay later.

I'm going to stay later and have ravioli...

while I am waiting for the ravioli, I'm going to continue to look through the oodles and oodles of test scripts because I need to find ones that coincide with the tests I think I need to run.

once I have determined which ones are the ones I think I need, I am going to have someone else look at them and tell me if they make sense - in doing so, review the documentation which I have prepared...

you know why?

because we have this thing called methodology.

and there is thing called a peer review - the point being to catch mistakes sooner so you don't have to rework later which costs more once you move to the next stage...

you know, it actually makes sense... because even though it takes more time - the whole point is that it will save time (and money) in the long run... it just depends on where you want to spend that time and with how many people.

aaaand I tell you this as if you might actually care...

but I know better.

[queue - dance of the sugar plum faries]

so as I sit there, on the freeway, you know - driving to work. I get cut off by an bimmer whilst in between some solid white lines.

now I am not one to judge as I am prone to do the very same thing when I am in a hurry... or if I am just impatient (very often the two coincide) - but it just piled a tetris block of frustration (usually a Z-block or S-block on a perfectly flat configuration) on my stack for the day...

today I wasn't in a hurry - I was actually on time (for once)... but traffic was annoyingly slow. add another Z-block.

about a half a mile later, I discover that the cause for the congestion is due to the fact that a police car was investigating four cars on the side of the road - from my estimation, they were all speeding and he got all four of them, or they were all invloved in some fender bender.

oooh... big whup.

so in my head I'm thinking to the other cars on the road - you frustrating people are slowing everyone down because you want to rubber neck... Add four S-blocks in a row.

[music speeds up dramtically]

for a moment, however, I am thinking, well what if these people are slowing down for the sake of caution and not because they are stragely drawn to stare and some supposed misfortune... A T-block to complete a tetris-ready section and a straight-block for the tetris

[music slows - level up]

that thought quickly dissipates once I realize that I'm in the lane farthest from the accident and it's a four lane road. A bunch of square blocks and S-blocks which end up blocking gaps left by all the Z-blocks and other S-blocks

[game over - I never got any L-blocks and only the one T]

in any case - it got me thinking - just beacuse I do that when I experience a moment of guilt - why is it that we (and I generalize we, because I only know for sure about me, but it makes me feel better when I can attribute this to everyone else as well) why is it that we are so easy to believe the worst about a situation and it more difficult to believe in the good.

... ... ...

I need a hero...

of course we believe in the good of other people, but how often do we try to find faults in the person who has done good deeds. sure, we are content to believe the best, but once someone casts a tiniest shadow of doubt, the images begin to crumble and our heroes are torn down faster than we can build them up.

In our heads we think - really, who among us is truly noble? there are saints in the world (although not yet labeled because they aren't dead yet and they have not had three miracles attributed to them, and since they aren't dead you can't check the degree their bodies are incorrupted) so I guess they are noble, but for the rest of us shmoes?

[The "Do-you-think-you're-better-than-me? attitude - much more prevalent in some people than in others - I am much too arrogant for that, so I usually have the "Dude-I-am-so-totally-better-than-you-so-why-are-you-even-trying-to-argue" attitude - which probably angers people more than the former, since the former gives the other person an out for a comeback and the latter just makes you want to kick that person's ass. In any case, though however rare, I do recognize when I am bested and I shut up when I am put in my place - and although I accept it, it doesn't mean that I have to like it - but this is not about me]

we really do need heroes. we need something to believe in because that gives us hope. it is so easy for us to dispair, regardless of how much faith you have, even if it be for just the slightest moment.

everyday heroes make us believe in the goodness of ourselves. they help us to realize, or reinforce rather, that we, as individuals and as people, are capable of great good. the problem becomes when we believe in it so much that our heroes are no longer elevated, but become peers, and at once we believe that we are able to achieve that which we have not... not to say that the potential isn't there, but that the feat is no longer special or important. That familiarity then breeds contempt, for the acknowledgement they received for doing what we believe we could do (but haven't) generates jealousy - why should they get credit for doing what everyone else can do. Of course, no one else has done it - but what does that matter - because the your own individual is important.

good job. how often is that praise really genuine or are they just empty words which we feel obliged to speak? can we really look inside ourselves and say, yes - we really do care about it? Or, is most congratulation that we might believe is authentic because we believe, in some small recess of ourselves, that we contributed in some small way or in some way benefit from the action and therefore we share in the celebration. Do we truly believe our congratulation without motive or is our applause merely just going through the motions?

if someone you don't know somewhere else achieves something, and you read about it or are told second hand and neither participated nor profited, do you really care?

Me? no, not really. I think, how nice for that person. I give an approving nod and then it becomes a forgettable factoid.

Although, it's a little different with family and friends, because if someone you know is completely happy about something which you neither helped nor benefit from, seeing them happy makes you happy because they are happy. Not nearly so much if you were a part of it, but you still feel for them and that's love. But then how long does that praise last once they leave? For the person receiving the acclaim, it lasts much longer than the person giving it.

Ah - so then the praise isn't about you - it's about the other person. For me personally - I'd rather not hear it unless it's real - and it doesn't have to be some exuberant display of gushing affection. it can be a simple, camly stated - "Good job" or "That's a good deck" or "Good play" or simply "Thank you"...

because when it's real - it doesn't have to be trumpets and trombones - the simple fact that it is real makes it resonate throughout the universe.

so love changes everything. it excuses many things, and forgives much more readily. so why is it so hard for everyone to love everyone else?

"why should I?"... that would be the question most people would ask first. followed by - "they haven't done anything for me" or "I don't even know them"

also, in general, there are just some people that just plain piss you off - and you only have some much strength to endure that person that there is none left for any effort to try to change your thinking in a way to embrace that person...

what can I say... it happens.

but it doesn't mean we stop trying.

so today - say something nice and mean it - I don't know how you can do that because you have every right to feel what you feel, but maybe there is some way to change your perspective to feel the way you "should" feel or rather in a way that allows you to love that person in some way.

but that's the trick hunh?

and you know what?

sometimes we are just tired and it's just easier to snap, or to yell, or to get angry, or to ignore...

so we pray for strength (because that's where patience comes from), because distancing yourself is just like ignoring it, unless you are really working through it (but just away) which works...

::: ::: :::

authors create fictional characters to whom we all can look up to and believe are perfect examples - superpowers and dizzying intellect aside. they are immune to the effects of petty jealousy, because we know they aren't real. they can endure the most minute scrutiny because the author can make them perfect.

we can live in those worlds for the short time we are reading about the or watching them - sharing their experiences and relating with their triumphs and their losse... but we have to come back to the real world...

maybe there are lessons we can really learn (and not that you can solve your problems with martial arts and guns) from these heroes, instead of forgetting very quickly to take away anything good because the heroes are imaginary and because what we experienced wasn't really real...

but if you felt something - doesn't that make it real?

::: ::: :::

I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night...

if you happen to see her, wish her happy anniversary. because of the whole anniverssary of the day of her birth thing....

if you have her number, you should call her... I think she'd like that.

... ... ...

btw - I'm over this whole traveling thing. really.

[I love you goose! happy anniversary of the day of your birth!]

::: ::: :::

oh - and we were on tv saturday. because of tivo you can actually pause the moment our heads flash on the screen.

and apparently, I've become one of isaiah's toys, and he won't share me with lorie... but I'm not sure if that's sweet or demoralizing. I'll think positive, until isaiah tries to put me in the toy box.

::: ::: :::

tell me have you seen her (have you seen her)...

ham sandwich. a popular sandwich. up there with PB&J in it's simplicity and regard.

the blt is a derivative of the ham sandwich. it's just a different part of the pig and the meat is fried, not cured or baked.

I liked fried. something about food cooked in oil is just yummy. just so long as it's not too oily

I'm not a huge fan of the smoked bacon though... it's just, different... smoky. not a fan - though I will eat it, but that's just me.

I use mesquite, I like the taste of wood

I use propane, I like the taste of meat

I like breaded food too...

though I guess it doesn't make much sense to bread bacon and fry it, given that bacon is mostly fat, and frying bacon is like gilding a lilly - overkill...

Pork chops taste gooood.

ok.

that's it.

I'm going to color in my coloring book now.

so when the air pressure inside your inner ears is greater than the air pressure outside your ears, they pop. because pressure wants to be the same wherever it is...

this can be alleviated by releasing trapped air (by yawning or making weird faces which require you to open your mouth wide) through your eustachian tubes...

I have done this hundreds of times (to the point were I don't notice I'm doing it anymore) but this last sunday night I think I was coming down with a cold or something because when my ears popped they stayed...

it was as if I was listening to the world with a glass over one ear...

I tried to pressurize my ears, akin to when I go snorkeling or scuba diving, but I couldn't seem to get anything to my left ear.

weird...

(this whole time, however, I never noticed the increasing laboriousness of breathing through my nose)

so I decide to go to sleep - with very much difficulty.

At this point I feel like I am listening to a sea shell because of the hollowness which has replaced my ear...

however, the cars on the freeway a few hundred feet, which I can usually tune out, were quite noticeable and very irritating. maybe the dampened hearing of one ear was being compensated by the increased acuity of the other...

by this time, I noticed that I had begun breathing out of my mouth... I shifted my sleeping position so as to make use of one nostril - in shifting, my glasses - which I was wearing because I decided that the three months in which I kept in my contact lenses was quite long enough (and was exacerbated by my newfound alleric reaction to the long hair of dogs) - were not co-operating with my position on the pillow, thus rendering my left eye, and ultimately the whole left side of my head, useless for the night.

when I awoke, I noticed that, although I could hear normally, I was coughing something fierce and I was still congested.

so I called in sick.

so from sunday night to monday night (once I discovered that we had cable and hbo ondemand) I watched the first 8 episodes of the second season of entourage and the first 8 episodes of carnivale, contact, the terminal, ray, and first daughter (don't ask me why I watched the last one - it was late and it just jumped out at me)

I can breathe out of my nose, but I have some sniffles, and I'm not coughing anymore, but on my drive in my ear closed up again. it's fine now, but I can't pressurize my left ear again...

in any case, I can't focus today on anything - not that I have much on which to focus.

I think I just want to sleep some more. I debated crawling under my desk and sleeping, but it is quite easy to see me when you look into the cube.

here I go... trying to get back to work.

"I don’t want to punch you in the nose big chicken, I’m just gonna lay down and die now. Ok, here I am dying."

so I stopped collecting comic books a while ago.

I have a huge gambit collection - basically ever figure and statue made from his inception to about 2002... I have many of the key comics which feature the cajun although I know I am missing severl important runs and individual comics (like uncanny #273 where gambit kicks wolverine's ass - it's true - look it up...)

but I've stopped collecting. I don't know if it's because I feel that I have matured enough to put all of this behind me or I'm just too lazy to go through the work to track down and buy all of the things I am missing, or if I am just overwhelmed by the amount that I do not have... because technically there is really no end until the x-men are finished and gone...

[oh - and what's the deal about killing off gambit in the ultimate x-men series?]

there were rumors about josh holloway (sawyer from lost) playing gambit in x3, but that's out... I heard keanu wanted to play him as well... I'd vote for sawyer over neo though, although I think gambit is a little more lean than sawyer and much more smooth... but he's an actor, so maybe he can act...

but I digress, so the question remains...
do I keep all my gambit stuff, of do I pull a 40-year old virgin and sell all my stuff?

right now, it's just taking up space in my closet in the spare bedroom...

do I end it, calling the race done... or do I keep running and finish the race...

I don't know... I just don't know.

so it happend again last night... I dreamed a dream [of days gone by]

except I don't remember most of it. I remember, though, the british and the indians were in it and I think they might have been fighting a war... but it was in some sort of futuristic setting and there were hostages of some sort... really, I just remember feeling conflict.

I awoke [singing, ooooo, only thing to do] - I notice that I had left the TV on the history channel and there was documentary about some british/indian war or something... I don't know... I promptly changed the channel to headline news because I needed to get ready for work.

are we meant to remember our dreams? there doesn't seem like there is enough time for our dreams to move from our short term to our long term memory... memory is a finicky thing, it is... so why do we dream? to keep our sanity? to unwind the mess of the day so that we forget what is necessary to keep moving? if you remembered everything as strongly as you first felt it, would you not be immobilized by anger or dispair or sadness? or would that be cancelled out by every joyous moment, every gush of pride, or fit of laughter...

I don't know.

but dreams can be fun... and dreams can suck.

he realized that he had to choose between thinking of himself as the poor victim of a thief and as an adventurer in quest of his treasure

perspective... point of view... that's how you take lemons and make lemonade... how you go from wanting to be consoled to consoling..

It's not often that money saves a person's life.

it is usually another person... they usually do something to save you. and if losing money is all it takes to keep you alive and keep you going, well then maybe it's not such a bad predicament

Don't think about what you've left behind

History is important, but it more important to not dwell on the past... the present is what matters...

It is said that the darkest hour of the night comes just before the dawn.

it has been said many times, yet how often do we realize it in our lives?

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.

that leads me to question, what happens to us once we fail? Given that we do not fear failure, yet fail - that probably means we were not on the right path... or we just keep trying - for a life in pursuit of a dream is probably [because I don't know] better than a life letting the dream die...

At a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fates. That's the world's greatest lie. Whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it.

if you substitute "universe" with "God", I could probably say that has been my experience throughout my life - without realizing it for most of my life...

When something happens once, it will never happen again. But when it happens twice, it will surely happen a third time.

probability or conspiracy? interesting... almost superstitious... but forewarned is forearmed - so long as it doesn't dictate your path...


Read more.

I'm not a dentist, but I read or heard somewhere that you really should brush your teeth before you eat or at least a little while after... something about the acids from soda or certain foods making your enamel easier to rip into with your toothbrush or something.

or eat cheese when you are done eating and drinking because that is supposed to neutralize the acids that breakdown your teeth - and you know what toothdecay leads too... fillings, rootcanals, and unsightly gums and chompers...

btw - humans are decidedly omnivores - given that our teeth (or the rest of our physiology) do not match typical land herbivores or carnivores...

anyhow - my teeth feel fuzzy... maybe it was the swishing around of the iced tea in my mouth for a few minutes, but they feel funny...

tangent - don't you hate it when you get something stuck in your teeth (like corn or some other vegetable) but you can't reach it with your tongue and you are in public, so you don't want to reach it with your finger? So then you try to keep reaching for it with your tongue, only to have your tongue get tired, or worse, strained, from trying to position it to reach that spot between the back corner of your mouth and the inside of you cheek? yeah - that sucks.

so, I'm going to go to target - I believe they have toothpaste there, and I ran out of toothpaste this morning, and last night I didn't grab the toothpaste that lorie bought for me last week...

the trouble is, when I go to target, bad things happen...

like I buy stuff. :-P

so I just killed an hour of my life playing sudoku on www.websudoku.com - I played the evil level and it took me 56 minutes to complete it...

it was the first time I was able to complete an online one due to the fact that I was uninterrupted for that period of time...

Needless to say, I was excited - I thought it was a decent time, considering the level of difficulty and the fact that this is really only the third puzzle I attempted and completed...

I clicked on the statistics button to see how I fared against the populace...

much to my embaressment and disappointment, it told me that 97% of the people who played on that site finished faster than me - the average being 17 minutes... (btw, it only tells you those stats if you complete it without mistakes)

17 minutes?!?!

who are these unknown geniuses of the single number game? are there millions of savants just sitting at home, quickly and flawlessly filling the matrix of numbers?

... ... ...

For my ego's sake, I hope they were calculating all of the puzzles solved, including the ones from the three lower difficulties...

for now, I must bury myself in the mountain of work which I had so be avoiding for the last hour...

maybe then I can forget.

maybe now...

maybe this time...

or something like that...

saw the uconn-cincinnati game last night. good game - i think it also happened to be the first collegiate basketball game I've ever attended... strange. oh... wait - I lied. I went to a UDM game once. I think only once.

in any case, I never noticed that schools' fans have different rituals for different parts of the game, of course I'm not, what people would call, "into sports" all that much... I know about different chants and/or battle cries... but I never knew about the whole raising up of the arms when their team shoots free throws, nor did I know about the one where you stand up at the beginning of the second half and don't sit down until your team scores.

but hey, it was fun - it's just not my thing to be wrapped up in stuff like that. the tickets were free, and I'd do it again (especially if the tickets are free)

::: ::: :::

on a side note, I found out that I consistently type at a measley 70 wpm whilst averaging about 3.9 mistakes per minute.

I seriously thought that I typed faster than that...

oh no...

my confidence is shattered. now is the time to strike me down.

I have those bags under my eyes... the ones that make you look very tired.

they don't actually make you feel tired, nosiree...

the thing that makes you feel tired is playing video games until 5am when you should have gone to sleep as soon as you got home (in my case my apartment)...

... ... ...

so I've decided that, although it is cool that I do not have to worry about the gas bill for my apartment, having the furnace on 80 degrees F isn't so much fun in a small bedroom given there is very little moisture in the air.

it makes one prone to bouts of extreme thirstiness in the middle of the night.

... ... ...

man... since when did my eye lids get so damn heavy?

it's on baby.

of course, I'm not watching it until it's over because commercials suck.

stargate is almost done.

atlantis is next.

galactica to follow.

gotta go, the better half is asking for chicken lemon rice soup.

does the kind of salad you make at the salad bar define you?

basically, when I go to the salad bar, I am essentially making a sandwich - but backwards and much more leafy...

I add the lettuce, I add some ham, eggs, cucumbers, spinach leaves, carrots... I add some pine nuts or sunflower seeds, cheese, and bacon bits... then I add thousand island or a raspberry vinagrette - depending on my mood and then I throw on croutons.

so like a sandwhich, but bigger than a handful and much less bread.

so what does that mean?

nothing. because a stupid salad bar just means that you wanted to eat a stupid salad instead of the other crap they have at the cafeteria (i.e. the meatloaf that will crack your teeth and make you get a root canal)

go figure.

"it's a rock, it doesn't have any vulnerable spots"

there is a difference between googol and google...

I thought they were spelled the same way before now.

Now I know better.

I would no longer be considered weird.

I would be eccentric.

dididididumdum dididididididididididididididi...

did you know that when you stare at a computer screen or tv, that you are looking at nothing half of the time?

it's that whole concept of persistence of vision that allows us to watch animation is also what allows us to watch what is on a screen.

but, as the lights pulse across the screen, there are gaps between the flash, albeit very short ones...

in any case, while you watch tv or stare at your computer, wave your hand very fast across the screen... you will notice that there is a strobe like effect. now wave your hand at the light above your head - since that light is constant, notice that there is no strobe like effect.

isn't that amazing? I bet someone out there didn't know this, and I probably got about 10 people to wave at their computer screens just now, and maybe even the light. how funny is that? I hope no one else saw you.

of course, I was waving at my screen right after I type out that portion of the entry... so I guess that makes me a dork. of sorts.

so apparently, when you stare too long at the computer screen, so people are prone to get headaches... maybe it from stress, or maybe not, but I've heard that upping the refresh rate will help with eye strain... as in reducing it... so I've heard... I've maxed mine out, I think, but I'm going to look for the proper driver for the monitor in hope that I can up it some more.

[to the new chandelier...]

I have always had a special place for new year's eve in my heart.

once midnight hits, everyone is excited and happy and smiling and there are hugs and kisses going around and it's just nuts.

What is it about a new year? it is not like a natural waypoint in life. it is just time... something that was arbitrarily set once people figured out astronomy. The months/days/years are only where they are because someone said, "Hey, lets start keeping track of time... NOW! And we will base the units off that big shiny hot thing in the sky"

A new year used to mean [to me] big party at my god-parents house where I can shoot off my cap guns and collect the coins which are showered on the floor after midnight...

as I grew up [grew up], I came to appreciate that I could celebrate the time with my family - another year of love and memories under our belts, and a new year to continue to love and time to make more memories. [As in dressing up in 80's attire, listening to 80's music, and singing karaoke (for almost 12 hours straight - until your voice, or the karaoke mic, wears out) while eating like a pig and drinking like a fish (while playing quarters) and laughing like a jackal and screaming like a maniac and dancing like a fool until 6:30 am]

it is an excuse for people to call up friends and family to tell them how much they love them, because [maybe] they might not feel all that comfortable doing it any other time [AND there is the bonus of being able to blow it off as intoxication so if it is awkward, it can be easily - however sadly - dismissed]

of course, there are those that probably do not share my sentiments of the new year. to each their own - as life experience do differ - so do the days which we cherish.

then there are the new year's resolutions which [usually] never last... it is funny how the change of the calendar year can be the impetus for people to change. people reflect just a little bit more on their lives [maybe], and are open [if for a while] to [sort of] new things.

[tangent]
For the most part, once you start developing your personality, there are only a few times where major personality changes occur...

transition from one level of school to another (elementary to jr high to high school to college to etc...)
getting married...
having kids...
death in the family...
near death experience...
finding [or losing] religion/faith...
self-realization...
self-actualization...
drugs...
reconstructive/cosmetic surgery

so that's a big list, and of course, I probably don't have the faintest clue about what I am talking, but I'm just running with my thoughts and observations...

most other things won't really change your personality all that much... much of what is perceived to be changes in personality are more likely to be ebbs and flows of confidence and mood, or the flexing of personal styles.
[/tangent]

in any case - here we are... another year - 2006 to be precise.

we are not living the jetsons or buck rogers or minority report or I, robot... however, big brother is knocking on the door (but I have a much more optimistic outlook for the future)

I'm just glad to be here.

because life (in any form) has the potential for great goodness - so I'd like to focus on that.

Happy New Year!

what a blessed release... [and what a masquerade!]

[ ] finish master bedroom closet
[ ] fix water pressure/plumbing
[ ] eliminate credit card debt
[ ] eliminate allergens from the house
[ ] work out 4 times a week/lose weight/find six-pack
[ ] write a comic book
[ ] create a badass magic deck
[ ] get the handcannon in resident evil 4
[ ] collate/edit old school home videos to DVD
[ ] finish office
[ ] finish guest bedroom
[ ] write a video script
[ ] produce a cool mix CD
[ ] go to Las Vegas