babiegoose.com

I hate you.

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I mutter these words under my breath every day...

pretty much.

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harsh words.

hurtful.

and yet, I find that, in lieu of swearing, these words escape my lips, almost reflexively for whatever reason...

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sometimes, they (the words) are directed at myself... usually during the moments when I recall a past action that makes me cringe because it was so stupid/embarassing/idiotic and I really no longer want to remember it, but I must because I know better for next time...

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other times, they are directed at the entity on which I am currently working, say (for instance) a program/computer or some gadget which I have dismantled...

you know.

stuff like that.

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in any case, I feel wretched when I catch myself exclaiming the phrase, because, obviously, there is something wrong.

I do not like to be wrong, hence I do not like remembering when I was wrong, but no one is perfect and being wrong is inevitable for humans, so therefore to rage against that simple truth is pointless because it is, in fact, truth.

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my program won't work like I expected [I hate you]

I can't believe I did that [I hate you]

ARRGGGHHH [I hate you I hate you I hate you]

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most of the time, the words are not as articulate as they are typed...

the phrase is usually fumbled out sounding more like "Iaechoo" than the more understandable "I hate you"

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I find that "I hate you" is more palatable than "fuck" or "shit" or "dammit"... however this is all meaningless since the majority of the time these interjections would in most cases be barely audible.

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why did I do that [Ihaechoo]

rrrrggghh [cracking all knucles] [iaechoo]

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but let us swing to the opposite end of my emotional spectrum.

moments of epiphany. moments of triumph.

these events are not usually marked with words like "sweet!" or "yessss!" or "nice"...

no, those words are used for congratulating others in their instants of glory...

my self-congratulatory mantra is "ha haaaaa! bitch."

the first "ha" would be short, almost a stutter, right before the more sustained "haaaaa!" if I could manage it, I would place a staccato above the "bitch" because that's how it would come out - rapidly after the "haaaa!" with a quick nod of the head.

all followed by a smirk and a warm fuzzy feeling inside and maybe a little chuckle.

all this, again, under my breath.

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[sigh]

that is the gamut of my emotions...

for the most part.

maybe one thing or another might supercede these instances, but they are probably far too personal for me to share and far too complex for me to describe...

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"Talking about love is like dancing about architecture..."
~Joan, Playing by Heart

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ha haaaa! bitch.