babiegoose.com

we get bottled water at this office... not the individual bottles, mind you, but the large water cooler type bottles...

in any case, I just happen to notice that the slogan says "Pure from the center of our Earth"

k.

didn't know that there was water at the center of the earth. I thought it was just a lot of molten iron flowing around a ball of solid iron (obviously due to the pressure and heat)

you can learn the darndest things from the strangest places...

(in this case, how not to advertise your [lack of] knowledge of geology/hydrology)

yesterday was a day of mixed emotions and sensations...

sad.

chris lum took off for the coast.

happy.

he sold me his x-box.

sad.

I'm never going to have time to play it.

happy.

I'll definitely be seeing chris around.

sad.

I really don't know what else to say today.

if you are reading this right now then you are seeing the transition of the layout...

I have to tweak it a bunch...

so you'll have to live with it for now...

you know... there are those moments in life where you cringe when you live it, and you cringe everytime you relive it...

there are some things that a person must go through in order to understand why one must or must not do something or another.

no one is born with all of the knowledge of everything immediately at their disposal, it must be discovered through teachings and trials and errors...

so all those moments where I have been a complete ass, and then realized it later (trust me, I do realize it, and I do cringe when I think about it again) it just makes it that much easier to not do that same exact thing again.

some people just assume you know everything that they do (ahem, moi) so they take for granted that knowledge and actually expect that you are already on that same level. others just assume that everyone knows more than them so they lack the assertiveness one might consider necessary to facilitate learning and other such interaction. others just assume that they know more than everyone and then are overassertive, close-minded, overwhelming, and, sometimes, completely wrong.

I can't fault you for thinking that I am an insensitive idiot. In many cases, I am. All I can say in my defense is, the second I realize it, it will never happen again and I am all the better for it. But, if you hold that moment of stupidity against me, then you miss out on that which I can provide, and in turn, I miss out on what you can provide - and we all lose. Not just the two of us, but everyone - because that which we could create together can benefit everyone... Also, at least I am putting it out there. Although it can be frightening or silly or just plain dumb, I gain experience from my attempts. One learns much faster from applied practice than from reciting theory.

if you don't fall down, then you are not trying hard enough.

in order to succeed in the air, you must be able to succeed on the ground - you must walk first, you cannot jump into flying..

so I will continue to reminisce about those times that make me cringe, because it is good for me.

it keeps me in check.

you should pay no mind to doing something wrong the first time.

you should pay close attention to doing something wrong again and again.

apologies and

all... Read more.

it was funny. funny haha, funny interesting, funny strange. all of it together. all at once.

how could it possibly? possibly more than one thing at the same time. It would have to be. It is not flat. It is not one-dimension. We tear things down. We tear things apart. We do this so that we can try to understand it. But when was anything every just the sum of its parts?

never.

it never was. the whole is much more than the pieces, because there is a synergy.

::: ::: :::

a seed. useless alone.
add some soil. (again, useless alone)
add some water. (another thing, useless alone)
add some air. (invisible, and yet useless alone)
add some sunlight. (yet again, useless alone)

it grows into a plant. (but that is useless alone)
the plant produces fruit. (the fruit is also useless alone)
from here, the roads diverge.

the fruit is useless alone, but add an animal (which is useless alone) and the fruit becomes nourishment, which is not useless because of the animal.

the fruit also has seeds, which are useless alone... [repeat cycle]

the animal (which is useless alone) has no purpose, except to live. But that cannot be ones purpose, or rather, that should not be ones purpose because one would ultimately fail in that purpose.

to live.

instead, the purpose should be one of interaction. socialization. because although one can isolate, one was not meant to be alone.

Meant. means. meaning. The meaning was given. who gives the meaning. Oneself? Possibly, but to be true, then not just one would have to be aware enough to give oneself meaning, but all. That can't be true, so although one might believe one gives oneself meaning, meaning cannot be self derived.

It is also possible that one might never know one's meaning, though one accomplishes it, over and over. If that is the case, then one cannot give oneself meaning.

One is useless alone, for there is nothing alone. If there is nothing alone then there is no meaning alone, so if one is alone, then one cannot give oneself meaning.

alone is meaningless.

::: ::: :::

but one cannot be alone.

again, the intention is to interact. though one can isolate, one cannot be alone. one cannot remove oneself into nothing. for one, nothing would lead to death. one cannot be surrounded by nothing because there is always something. with something, there is opportunity to interact. to interact is to fulfill the intention to interact. interaction leads to further interaction which leads to further interaction, etc, etc...

until death. then the interaction transforms into different interaction. if matter cannot be created or destroyed, and matter is converted energy, and energy cannot be created or destroyed, then one cannot be ended, as the energy that was once one is now something else.

to fulfill one's purpose.

purpose is given.

purpose is not chosen.

what one chooses does not alter ones purpose. although it is possible that one may think that ones purpose is fulfilled, one is a part of a greater design. in this design the details may vary, by coincidence or chance, but certainly ones purpose can be chosen to not be fulfilled, granted one knows what is ones purpose.

::: ::: :::

I hear the ticking of the clock, I'm lying hear the room's pitch dark.
I wonder where you are tonight, no answer on the telephone.
and, the night goes by so very slow. oh, I hope that it won't end, though...
alone...

till now, I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met you, and now it chills me to the bone. how do I get you alone? how do I get you alone?

you don't know how long I have wanted to touch your lips and hold you tight. oh, you don't know how long I have waited and I was going to tell you tonight. but, the secret is still my own, and my love for you is still unknown...

alone...

alone

heart

Debbie: "I can't tell you how hard I prayed for you."

Zoey: "I appreciate that."

D: "Well, you shouldn't. I'm not very religious. So there's the risk that my praying could be taken as insincere or even an affront, which if it's a vengeful God could have made matters worse."

Z: "Well, it didn't. So maybe there's a clue."

~From The West Wing, "Jefferson Lives"

fly me...

from the earth...

...alice

bang zoom...

... and back

paris...

I know you... I do.
I can see into your darkness.
I can see your soul.

you might think you can hide it,
but I know that it is there.

you know it is there.
deep, deep inside the shadow...
that is where I am.

I know your game very well,
but you cannot out play me.

I control the game.
my will is stronger than yours,
my darkness, deeper.

and I embrace the darkness,
while you simply deny yours.

you play in the light...
trying to ignore the dark,
hiding your shadow.

but the shadow controls you,
and you don't even know it

I play in the light
knowing where my shadow lies.
for I have balance.

it is the light that you fear,
because it will reveal all.

though I know myself,
I will not reveal myself.
you cannot see me.

to see the darkness in me
is to know that within you

to know your darkness
is to admit it is there.
to know you are wrong

you cannot be free from it
because it is part of us

but you run from it.
I am in control of it.
because it is mine.

is denial betrayal?
is control just arrogance?

I know you... i do.
because, now, I know myself
yet... I know nothing

where there is light, there is dark...
it is inevitable.

when you are traveling a lot, you find that you have much more time to reflect. Reflect on life, work, family, friends, etc.

you think about things that you thought you had already thought about but really had barely just scratched the surface.

the older you get, for the most part, the more you are able to see what life is about and what you life is becoming. you pick up the tools that will allow you to change your life, or you let it bowl you over (or go with the flow) and you allow life to take you where ever it takes you.

then you try to philosophize your way into the delusion that you are doing what you are doing because that is what you want to be doing, or, if it's not, then what you want to do really isn't something that you should be doing because you have a pessimistic outlook on the road less traveled.

I think about what life would be like if everyone lived with reckless abandon. of course, I'm pretty sure that there would be an increase of child neglect and potentially infant mortality.

then I think about what life would be like if everyone lived under rigid structure and routine.

the balance of our lives is beautiful in its simplicity and intricacies.

for everyone to be would be as if no one were enlightened.

at least it wouldn't matter.

because then no one would care.

but we aren't like that are we?

we travel to the farthest reaches of what we call our boundaries, to find out what we really want is what we left behind. Or maybe, we find what we are looking for, but what we are looking for really isn't what want anymore, because in our journey we grew up... then all of a sudden what we grew up believing we wanted ends up being trivial, and then what we want is to know what we want.

are we lost?

the ultimate journey would be the one that would let you reach the goals that you didn't know you have, doing it the way you didn't know you wanted.

to whom do these goals belong?

parents wish so much for their children, but how often do they let their children tell them what they want...

but then, how often to children not listen to the very sound advice that their parents gave them in hopes that their child would not make the same mistakes.

We are the reflection of the hands that raised us. In turn, we reflect that upon those we raise.

Depending on how clean the glass is, sometimes the reflection is perfect, but make no mistake that the glass can also be distorted, but there is also the chance that the reflection can be magnified...

for better or for worse.

we journey and journey.

because that is life.

how many roads...

... ... ...

two roads diverged...

... ... ...

maybe its time to come home...

Read more.

... ... ...

people have their comfort zone.

some people feel at home in a quiet library, where others would feel intimidated by it.

some can be perfectly comfortable working on a car, where others are completely mystified.

kind of like shopping... there are the stores in which you swim through like a fish, and there are the stores in which you have no clue as to how to even begin to look around. In the latter, even when you are looking, you really don't see anything because you are still trying to figure out what you are doing there.

I feel comfortable working on, physically or electronically, computers.
I like the puzzle that they are and that they can create.

I feel comfortable on the dance floor, crowded or otherwise. I like the beats and rhythm and melodies and harmonies that move me.

I feel comfortable at the movies, in a record shop, comic book store, video game stop. I like the escape from reality and the outpouring of imagination contained therein.

I feel at comfortable in meijer, target, sam's, costco, and home depot. I like that they can possibly provide me with all of my material needs, and sometimes in bulk.

I feel comfortable at my mom's house. I like that even though I no longer live there, it still feels like home.

I feel comfortable at my house. I like that lorie and I have a place of our own - to build up and to share, even though, lately, we haven't been able to spend time together.

I feel comfortable at church. I like the gathering of people together to share faith, hope, and love.

I feel comfortable with my friends. I like that we can take two or three minds to do absolutely nothing, but somehow, still enjoy the day much more thoroughly than if spent alone. Alternatively, I like the fact that I have backup in case stuff goes down... you know, because I live in such a dangerous area.

I feel comfortable with lorie. I like that she can round me out, take the edge off my potentially uncomfortable situations, and keep me in check when I should know better but decide worse.

I feel comfortable alone. I like that I don't need to be tactful around myself. brutal honesty, outpouring of thoughts and ideas, the chance to be uncompromising, and the comfort of not having to "flex" my "style" to work with theres. I work with people when I must, because sometimes it is totally easier and much more interesting, if not fun. But, sometimes, just sometimes, I just get too tired or impatient to have to worry about your feelings every second you are around me, because frankly, during those sometimes, I'm just trying to get through the day, despite your need to make you feel special, liked, or ok with yourself. [read: self-absorbed]

... ... ...

when you have people in their comfort zone, you can see their true nature. people are a little more patient and it is easier to communicate with them. people are more open-minded, although, with some, that might not be saying much. people drop their guard, if only a bit, and let things in and out that normally wouldn't fly.

people tell you their secrets, when they are comfortable.

people relax when they are comfortable.

some people say style before comfort...

I say comfort should be a part of style...

but if you are comfortable (and even stylish), that doesn't necessarily mean you are happy...

::: ::: :::

do not mistake comfort with happiness.

happiness and comfort are not mutually inclusive.

::: ::: :::

don't do it...

yay!

payday!

... ... ...

today is the wonderful day of receiving money and watching it disappear day.

today I got paid and then I watched the bills take it all away.

bittersweet...

if only I could kill bills...

then our money wouldn't be...

... ... ...

gone tomorrow...

I have a fascination for stuff.

I have noticed that though most women can appreciate the niceties of these "things", they do not share in the enthusiasm that guys have.

be it their watch, new cell phone, new game system, electronic doodad, to anything as big as a lawnmower, pool table, bar, or even car...

some guys are direct in their approach, by calling attention to their new found item of the moment, while others are more subtle and allow the use of the gizmo to call attention to itself.

(I probably do both, but I'm more likely to be the former than the latter)

perhaps it is the desire to be envied? to have attention?

you know, it could very well be from the fact that my sister was born so soon after me that the attention that I should have had for a year or so longer was drawn by my baby sister.

in any case, it's all about me...

there are problems with having so much "stuff"

the problems include:

space - in many instances, stuff is stuff you don't need and end up never using. Regardless, stuff is made up of physical matter, and matter requires space, even if you no longer use it. When matter is greater than, oh... say, 30% of the space you no longer have matter or space, but it's hybrid...which is mess.

gifts - not that you really need so much from others, but having a lot of stuff means that no one really knows what stuff you don't have which means that if you can't possibly hope to get something you want unless you ask for it.

paranoia - when you have more stuff, you are more likely to get your stuff swiped, lost, or broken. You then become an anal-retentive jerkface when it comes to others using your stuff, so no one ever wants to borrow your stuff because they think it is too much trouble and then that takes away from whatever attention you want.

boredom - I think the fun of stuff is the actual dreaming of owning it. Keep dreaming, because the majority of the time stuff when stuff that is dreamt is owned - it is no longer as much fun as when you didn't have it. Since you have it, it loses its magic because you can use it whenever, so you put it off.

time - stuff that you own requires time to use it. you need to allot a certain time frame in which to use something , but sometimes using stuff isn't as much fun alone as it is with someone else. Therefore, stuff is only fun if you can coordinate time. Depending on your schedule in comparison to others with whom you would like to spend this time, this is either easier or difficult to the depths of pooh. (In my case, i think I might go deeper than the depths of pooh)

there are a few trains of thought which is probably how buddha came to his nirvana... but not that I would know, as I am not buddhist nor did I know buddha. Restricting the owning of possessions, trying to get as many possessions as possible, or moderately owning stuff...

it sounds like moderation is the right path, hunh?

sure - except for the fact that moderation is more difficult a balancing act than a hire-wire acrobat.

what stuff should you get? where do you draw the line? at what point do you think you will no longer need it?

lately, I've been trying to think about what I am getting in relation to whether I am going to need it long term, short term, frequency of use, and in the end - price.

then I have this list in my head of things that more needs than wants and more wants than needs...

in the end, if you try to list what you need to survive, you really don't need a lot... everything else you think you need just makes things easier, but makes cleanup much harder.

then there are things that you don't really need, but might "need" because of sentimental attachment.

I'm not one to say that you shouldn't remember the past, but there are times when you just need to purge.

home improvement is now a huge want on my list of things. it has far surpassed my desire for electronics, comics, actions figures, computers, games - both video and board, dvd's, paintball and its derivatives, rollerblading, snowboarding, sword and knife collecting, dj and audio/video equipment, clothes, shoes, and superfluous food and appliances.

... ... ...

it is amazing how easy it is to give up on the things you truly don't need when you have something (or truly realize that there are things, rather) so much more important on which to focus.

now please give me my get-up-off-your-ass pill.

... ... ...

b-b-bbb!*@# it's curtains...

alk dhIfasddon'tf;al knowds jf;whatal ejI'mf;aof j;adoingldj;a dljv;holyaj fa;djcowf;ajf;a jarrggghhhhdf; ljsf;aldjf;a lalalalalalal;ajdf;aidjf;asdjf;lksdfj;l dfj;aldfj;lasdf j;ldjf;lsjf;lskfj;lks djfas;akdjfa;ldfj a;sdfj a;ldfj;aldsjf ;aldsfj ;asdfja;kdfjas dfj;asdkjfa;ld fj;aldsjf; asdfj;asdfja;l dfja;ldjfa;ldjfa;sd fja;kdjfa;kdjfa;sjkf; akjf;alfdj;asdfj;aldsfj;akdfj;aldfj;ak dfj;lsfdj;aldsfj; alsdfj;ald fj;aldfj;lk ajdf;lsadfjl;skadfj;as dfj;kljf; a ldfj;aldjf;als dfj;asdfj; lsfdj;ldfj ;alsdjf;asdf j;asdfj;lsajf ;akdfj;akdfj;ladjf

I think I can count on four fingers how many people with whom I have interacted in person in the last two days.

my sister.

my stylist.

her assistant.

and that evil monkey that hides in my closet.

there is something awesome, yet not so much, about working from home for a whole week.

I have to cook to eat, but to pre-empt that, I ordered two large pizzas, deep dish, which I can later reheat in the oven.

I say oven, because if I nuke the pizza, somehow it doesn't taste as good, nor is it as crispy.

I have to wash my clothes. I think I am down to one last clean pair of boxers. I am at the point where I practically have to wash all my clothes.

the good side to that is that it is much easier to put clothes back into the armoire and dresser. the bad side to that is that I have not bought the closet organizer thing from california closets (or organized living - haven't decided) yet, so those things that should normally be hung usually end up on the floor.

it is almost 9pm.

I should be done working for the day. The problem is, I spent most of the middle of the day watching my MacGyver DVD's whilst I ate my re-baked, deep-dish, pizza.

I was planning on installing the hammock in the florida room, but the wall and the rafters don't line up like I thought, so I have to redesign. Luckily we are not yet in development phase, so there really isn't any rework.

... ... ...

by the way. if you are looking for day 1 and 2 - I forgot to write that down.

... ... ...

Mac just stopped a natural gas fire from a would-be oil derrick with old dynamite he happend to find at an abandoned strip mining site.

... ... ...

it is amazing how smart MacGyver is and yet how completely earth unfriendly he is...

but this is just the first season. maybe (because I don't remember) he will get better in future episodes.

... ... ...

my back hurts.

I think it might have to do with the fact that I haven't moved from my position on the couch since about 4pm

... ... ...

well. my five minutes for blogging for the day is up. I'm going to do something "productive"

although one could argue that "working" is actually productive in that it provides money.

but that could be argued the other way as well.

debate that amongst yourselves...

... ... ...