babiegoose.com

if you asked...

I would help you build a house.

I would help you build a home.

I would help you build a life.

I would cook.

I would clean.

I would run to the store and get whatever you needed.

I would explain something to you in a non-condescending way until you understand it.

I would beat the living crap out of someone if they tried to hurt you... (or at least I would try to...)

I would pray for you.

I would sing for you.

I would shield you when you need to be protected.

I would let you go when you need to be free.

I would try to make you laugh.

I would try to help you through pain.

I would cyberstalk someone.

I would try to make you happy.

I would try to make you smile.

I would travel to the other side of the world.

I would find the means...

I would make the time....

because I love you.

7000 words/day for women, 2000 words/day for men...

you do realize what that means, right?

that means that men are supposed to remember more than three times the amount of stuff because women expect them to remember everything.

of course, men's minds don't work that way.

nope.

we remember stuff that is interesting - not that what women have to say isn't interesting - it's just that men don't find every wordthat comes out of their mouths all that important sometimes...

women, on the other hand, believe that every sentence that comes out of their mouths is super important. Although, in relation to everything else she has said, really, everything ends up at the same level or importance - which really is the level which catches most guys off gaurd even though we go through it every other day (some how, we just supress our bad memories in this area).

this level is known as "You-weren't-listening-I-told-you-last-week-I-already-told-you"

basically, unless you can remember every conversation you have ever had in your life, you will never, ever win an argument on this level.

why?

because they have the perfect defense: They say more, but you listen less, so you could very well not have been listening during the point in question equals you're screwed.

Women have it easy - because men don't say much, and when they do, they, for the most part, say what they mean.

really. there usually isn't any sub-text in the average male declarative statement.

men:
I'm hungry. I'm thristy. I need new socks/jeans/shirts because they shrunk/ripped/got stained

meaning: exactly that.

women:
I'm hungry. I'm thristy. I need new socks/jeans/shirts because they shrunk/ripped/got stained

meaning (any one of them): oh my gosh, I'm fat, but I want you to tell me I'm not. Oh my gosh, my skin is dry, and I want you to tell me that I'm better looking then that girl of whom I feel threatened. Oh, I need new clothes because this make my butt/face/hips look too fat/pale/wide.

of course I am generalizing.

which makes this very dangerous, because the devil is in the details.

which means there are a lot of devils.

... ... ...

I never win the you weren't listening argument. Because women expect you to be psychic too.

so what they say, and what they are thinking are two different things...

but...

because you weren't listening, she can say that she said what she was thinking, when, really, what she said doesn't even come close to what she was thinking... and even though you already did what she said, that's not what she wanted, and now she remembers the whole thing the way that she thought and you're screwed because you don't remember exactly what was said.

... ... ...

so yeah... I have a wife, two sisters, a mother, and a whole slew of female friends...

so I think that I'm better than average at listening.

really.

I am.

you just might not think so because I am expected to remember everything, so when I do remember (which is most of the time) I am not given any credit.

but one lapse, and all of a sudden I'm in the doghouse - regardless of anything I have done.

... ... ...

no fair.

... ... ...

not to mention, women will take each instance of whatever and store it in a little vault. this vault is airtight and is only opened when you have some kind of argument or discussion.

btw - any argument, no matter if you are right, becomes the guy's fault.

"you are mad at me? well, I'm mad at you"

and then it becomes all about her being mad at you and then the guy ends up apologizing.

what is that!?

how do they do that?

it happens...

every...

single...

time.

... ... ...

any guy with a girl knows this on some level - if not, learn it.

FAST

because you will become a whipping boy in no time...

flat.

... ... ...

[insert cracking whip noise here]

these are little tidbits one picks up while traveling [alone].

before you arrive at the airport... minimize the amount of metal on your person, belts, keys, coins, lighters[you can't bring those on planes anymore], etc. Put all of it in your carry-on or laptop bag or purse or whatever... don't wear a jacket or coat if you can help it, and make sure your shoes slide on and off quickly. And put your ticket and your license in an easily accessible pocket.

at the airport. there is usually more than one entrance into a terminal... if you see a line, find a different one. FYI... usually there is no line at the security checkpoint near the NWA international counter entrance in DTW...

at the checkpoint. keep your boarding pass out, because they need to make sure you're not on their red flag list. At the x-ray - I personally load my articles into the machine as follows: roll-away, laptop bag, laptop, shoes. This allows me to pull the roll away off first (if it is last, it usually plows through everything still on the belt)... then it I can grab the laptop bag and mount it on the roll away, then I can quickly open the bag and drop the laptop in it, and it takes an instant to slide my shoes back on, and I'm moving without skipping more than a beat... usually... but there have been instances where I have been stopped for one reason or another to have my luggage examined.

at the gate. find a seat relatively close to the gate. this will allow you to remain seated for as long as possible until they call your row/section to board. it is strange to me, but everyone likes to crowd around the gate like a pack of ravenous dogs waiting for food.

I don't get that.

it's not going to get them on any faster, and the plane won't take off any sooner.

it just seems silly to me.

when boarding, try get on the plane first, whether you go first class or sit in the back of the plane - get on first if possible. [this is a matter of seating, not where are you are in line at the gate] of course this only remains true if you are carrying something that require overhead compartment space. if you do not require over head space, then it doesn't matter when you board - so try to get as close to the front of the plane as possible.

do not check luggage. this is an extreme waste of time, added to the fact that there is always the possibility that your luggage could get lost at a number of different points along the way. carry-on in a single roll-away if possible - but a roll away required overhead space, so please note previous tidbit. Also, most roll-aways will stow lengthwise wheels out and up, which opens up oodles of space for everyone else. of course, my carry-on is designed with the traveling part in mind, not the stowing, so I am unable to stow lengthwise wheels out and up... but that's just me...

always call "not-bitch".When possible, check in online as soon as possible. Pick either the aisle or the window, depending on your preference. The aisle is good for easy access to the overhead bins or to the bathrooms, the window is good for a view, but mostly great for sleeping, since views can be greatly overrated and most people sleep on the plane when possible. The middle seat is practically the worst seat on the plane, (just behind the middle seat in front of an exit row or the middle seat at the very back of the plane - these seats are by far the worst seats given that they are middle seats and they do not recline.) The reason for the diminutive status of the middle seat is the fact that you must share both armrests and you must potentially suffer two people with less than exemplary personal hygiene.

which leads in to...

establish elbow authority.part of getting on the plane first is to sit first, which allows you to lay claim to the majority of the armrest. The usualy advice is to take more that you need, and then give back what you don't need as you see you don't need it. usually, one must pick either the front or the back of the armrest, as armrests are (typically) shared. If you firmly establish dominance, then it is quite possible that you can acquire the entire armrest, leaving your fellow passesnger in a lurch. But, although you probably can relax a bit, be wary of armrest claim jumpers, because an uncomfortable person will take the first chance given to grab real estate.

proper posture and neck support. If you plan on sleeping through the flight, then if must be noted that proper posture and neck support are essential for decent shut-eye. Although reclining the seat does add some comfort, it is quite possible that you can lose 10-15 minutes of sleep if a flight attendant wakes you during landing. So by properly sitting and supporting your neck, one can achieve maximum sleeptime with minimum discomfort. So, don't slouch, and grab a blanket, roll it up and stick it behind your neck, and make sure your seat belt is snug. configure your arms to your own personal comfort and commence passing-out. this will significantly reduce back and neck aches. be careful, though - if you are in the aisle, make sure to tuck in your elbow, as to avoid any unwanted bumps from the drink cart.

frequent flyer status is a myth - unless, of course, you fly everyday and have attained the highest of all possible statuses, because most people who travel for business have some kind of status with the airline on which you are flying. [Only the people at the top of the frequent flyer status food chain are given anything of real significance] there are an extraordinary number of people with minimal status which effectively negates the point of having any kind of status. It is only good for upgrading to first class and to rub the ego's of those individuals who fly so often that they need any kind of positive reinforcement they can possibly get - the thinking being, maybe if you are given status then you will forget how ridiculous your travel patterns are... [my last flight having 85% of the passengers with minimum status]

books, magazines, games, music, snacks... very important on longer flights, especially if you are not planning on sleeping.

always get something to drink. although the cabin is pressurized, the cabin pressure is the same that would be found at 8000 ft above sea level, so it is easier to get dehydrated, because, at cruising altitudes, there is little moisture in the air... but this is probably only noticeable over longer flights... but it is possible for you to hydrate yourself too much and then have to let off the excess... which means you hope that you have an aisle seat.

but...

avoid going to the loo when the drink carts are out or coming out, because it will be a pain in the ass to get back to your seat ... unless you stay in the bathroom the entire time they are serving... but that's just silly.

and please...

when deplaning, do not stand up the instant the seat belt sign turns off, especially if you are nowhere near the front of the plane. All the other idiots are trying to stand up too, which means that no one is going anywhere. all you are doing is making it harder for the people who are in front of you to get their carry-on's which ultimately means that you have to wait longer... standing... in an unmoving line.

that's pretty much it for now. next time I will give you tips on how to super-compress a week+ into a roll away (shoes and all) - assuming you are not a female that requires a separate luggage for toiletries, makeup, and hair styling tools and products, and a separate luggage for shoes...

...The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not...

it also doesn't pay to drink a lot the night before a soccer game, although those that did and can play the next day are champs.

dehydration and all...

but I guess playing in the rain makes up for that... dehydration and all...

I mean, how can you be dehydrated if you are soaking wet?

... ... ...

well... unless you are in an ocean or stranded on a salt water lake...

I guess that can do it too...

... ... ...

I got my glasses today.

whoopee.

except for, it's not really that big a deal.

I'm just biding my time...

... ... ...

I'm going crazy with boredom

flying has officially become boring...

I remember my first flight... it was to california. Previously, we have always driven when we would go on trips - but man, when I first flew in a plane, I thought it was so cool...

as I got older, flying was fine - it was no big deal, but there was still a little bit of a thrill in it, because it's not like I flew all that often.

but this weekly flying thing... it kind of takes the magic out of the whole epxerience.Been there, done that... The good thing about flying so often is the lack of motion sickness due to the repeated flights - I can now read and play video games on a plane without getting sick at all... which is a good thing because these communtes would suck that much more if I got sick everytime I flew...

I think, though, that maybe it has something to do with the fact that I am flying to do work instead of to go on vacation or something...

ah...

vacation...

let's fly, let's fly away...

it is incredibly amazing how beligerent arrogant uninhibited I can get when I know there are people much bigger than me who have my back [along with a few doses of fire water].

suddenly the group for two or three tall, drunk, (stupid) frat boys don't seem like such a threat when you roll fifteen deep into a club...

a third of whom are a good six inches taller than you and much more buff, [the remaining fraction being the females with whom you arrived]...

so you step up to them... the stupid frat boys... because they have a pack mentality that figures no little asian boy is gonna hog all of the girls on the dance floor and they figure they can muscle him out...

well, that and you threw your drink on the one that was hitting on harrassing one of your friends...

but he might have just been trying to get by.

but whatever.

so this guy, who could obviously take me down with his breath, decides that he needs his boy's to back him up.

... ... ...

I'm not sure how many of you have actually had an altercation, but there is a strange exhilaration right before you throw-down.

caused by adrenaline, testosterone, and other androgen hormones probably, but nonetheless, there is a specific feeling you get...

the problem I have is that there is a split second where I have to decide whether or not I am going to bash your face in or make you look stupid with my intellect.

this is a problem because at this point my hypothalmus is on cruise control and my congnitive skills probably aren't at their peak.

lately I have been defaulting to making you look stupid with my intellect, because if I my you look stupid physically I probably won't succeed.

plus, my mind fuck will probably stay with you longer.

... ... ...

back to the dance floor.

... ... ...

so these guys step to me, and I'm all like "WHUT!?"

and they're all like "BITCH!"

and I'm like "[RADIO EDIT]"

and they look at each other, because they are stupid, and...

nothing.

because they back down, I somehow made them realize that beating me up isn't gonna get them laid, especially since I own the dance floor.

but this isn't real.

because I'm just practicing my jedi mind tricks in my mind.

... ... ...

it's confounds me to no end when people actually believe their own lies.

I have had much experience in spotting BS... it's like a hobby.

unfortunately, spouting off bs [although at least I know and admit when I am kicking bs] has become almost second nature now , like an octopus with its ink or like a porcupine...

because I back 'em off with the quills...

"no ulterior motive.

helping to help, not because you are supposed to, but because you want to..."

Sometimes you are compelled to do things, and you don't do it for a reward or recognition...

but there are other times where people do things because they think it will get the something...

heaven... for instance.

I disliked the fact that at times I only did what was "good" because I thought it would get me into heaven. I wanted to do "good" for its sake alone, and not because of the prize inside.

... ... ...

then I realized something...

I have been looking at it from the wrong perspective. I realized that line of thinking is also selfish.

selfish in that thinking doing "good" was a gift, a favor... the privilege is yours. that it is all me. that I am the man.

then, all of a sudden, although I had heard it a million times before...

...From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more...

Luke 12:48

I finally understood. This is pretty much going to come out all wrong, and it will sound painfully obvious, but...

I should not have been thinking about doing good because I think it will get me into heaven.

I should not have been thinking about doing good for goodness' sake.

I should do good because I must, inspite of its rewards and inspite of the reason.

... ... ...

it's kind of like paying your taxes.

you are expected to...

you don't have to...

but you're pretty much screwed if they catch you.

and God...

He will catch you in the end...

... ... ...

the problem then becomes, when is it good and when is it wrong...

someone once told me to give it the red test.

if you could go up to God, and tell him what you did, and not get red in the face (or whatever - you get the idea) - then you are ok.

... ... ...

the way I see it - heaven is there, it is open to all of us. Our thoughts and actions take us away from it. We do not earn our place it heaven, it is already given to us.

in essence, since it is our actions that take us away from heaven, then ultimately it is our choice not to go, despite our desire to go.

... ... ...

so I will do what I am supposed to do.

... ... ...

well... I will try my very best at least...

... ... ...

I know that I will fail...

... ... ...

how much does that suck? going into something knowing that you are going in to fail?

... ... ...

this sucks.

... ... ....

I just have to believe that I am a better person that I think, and start trying to emulate that guy... Read more.

it's about 11:36pm - I have an 8:30am meeting, and I am about to go to sleep.

today I got semi-wasted in front of two managers... one who subsequently paid my tab...

how nice.

that's two days in the past week that I got free alcohol from someone to whom I report.

I guess that isn't such a big deal, but at least I have an excuse for my bad sean connery accent...

I believe the people around me called it an impersonation of someone impersonating sean connery...

it was funny..

my sean is terrible.

but I still laughed.

I heard that the speed of light could actually be slowing down.

that from the the moment of the inception of the universe, for less than an instant, the speed of light was almost infinite and has since slowed.

so I looked it up.

most of the sights I found were creationist sights, which from experience, I have found to be less than solid in regards to fact checking. Although I can appreciate the sentiment and enthusiasm, I would like to leave the science to the scientists.

... ... ...

really quickly though, the ramifications of the speed of light slowing down could have huge implications on science and religion... the universe could really not be as old as we first believed, special relativity et al would need revision, creationist could really have something on evolutionists...

first of all, I don't think creation and evolution are mutually exclusive - there really is no frame of reference during the first five days in which God created everything up to man - I mean, no one was there but God, so who is to say what is God's time? Maybe that first day was five billion years, and then he went by the Earth's rotation after that...

whatever.

in any case...

so I found that perhaps light maybe isn't really slowing down at all, according to people at nasa... something about annihilation of particles from a black hole or something...

whatever.

the big bang and creationism are not mutually exclusive.

and special relativity is nothing more than tautology...

[and I'm not ashamed to say that I just learned that word - so I just felt like using it]

you know...

I just realized that I could probably go the whole day at work without even talking to anyone. It's strange, but I can actually communicate via e-mail and AIM much more efficiently if I only need a short bursts of information from the people involved. The client has made in painfully clear that they do not want us using the telephone because there is a ridiculous code that one must punch to get an outside line that isn't toll free.

REE-DIC-YOU-LUS

by the time I find the code and punch it in, I could have fired off three e-mails, an IM, gotten a response, and been back working.

most of the time, if I need to call someone, I'll just use my cell, because I don't want to have to mess with the stupid dial out code. Plus, my cell phone plan has more than enough minutes for me not to care about using them at work...

[pausing to take a phone call]

so there goes my attempt to not talk to anyone today.

a plan ruined in its inception.

normally, no one calls me or asks me questions because I usually just spin out what they need through e-mails and IM...

but I see the merit of actual phone calls...

sometimes it is much easier and faster to talk to the person if the issue is more complex.

most of the time though, issues calls are resolved by the person doing the talking because the person who is called is just there as a listener for the person doing the talking, and if the person doing the talking would just take two seconds to think about what they were asking they would not have needed to call the listener in the first place...

... ... ...

I'm getting coffee... maybe then I'll be able to focus on something worth my salary... something productive... productive words...

... ... ...

words like violence...

not that they so much direct my life, but they sure do keep me busy...

not to mention taking up most of my time.

this entire weekend I felt very lazy.

very unmotivated.

I think it was probably the result of several weeks of flurried activity, although one would not come to that conclusion by reading this blog...

whatever the case, I barely made time to mow the lawn this weekend - what, with all the vegging-out I did, it was amazing that task was even on the radar.

I think vacations are, really, the time-that-you-didn't-have-during-the-time-you-were-working-to-do-the-things-that-needed-to-be-done-at-the-time-you-were-working-but-since-you-were-working-you-couldn't-do-it-then-so-you-must-do-it-during-you-vacation-which-means-that-you-will-need-a-vacation-from-your-vacation-to-do-absolutly-nothing-to-recover-from-the-vacation-that-wasn't-truly-a-vacation-so-much-as-it-was-time-that-you-didn't-have-to-work.

I have several to do lists, in the form of text files - probably scattered over three different computers and a pda.

I must find time to consolidate these lists so that there is a single master to-do list which will be managed at one point - probably my pda - so that it will always be available.

here's the problem.

out of site out of mind...

I do much better when I have a huge dry erase board in front of me... staring me in the face...

when it is on my pda, it is usually in my pocket...

and I forget about it.

that's what happens...

I should make that my next to-do...

to look at my to-do list on my pda...

to do what I am supposed to do when I am supposed to do it....

bap-bara-bap-bap-bap-bap-bampa todo todo

bleh...

modays...

yeech.

of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. -ozzy osbourne

I think I might actually know what that feels like.

today. I flew into dulles...

I completely forgot that I was flying into dulles.

I really hope that I remember that I am now flying out of dulles as well.

it would suck for me to drive to the wrong airport and then miss my flight.

I'm tired.

I'm hungry.

I miss my wife.

... ... ...

what the heck am I supposed to be doing today?

we have been riding waves since the day we were born.

- Hey, you were born

-> that's fortunate

- No. that's unfortunate... now we have to be subjected to the will of our parents and what ever government we (or in more that 50% of the US - did not) elected and we have to pay taxes

-> that's unfortunate

- No. that's fortunate, because we get free education until we graduate from highschool

-> that's fortunate

- No. that's unfortunate, because in order for us to really "make" it we have to go to college which means that we have to pay for more school in order to get "the job" that we need to "make it"

-> that's unfortunate

- No. that's fortunate... you get money some how and you graduate with a degree in something. Thus, supposedly, improving you position in life and in the eyes of your parents, their friends, and your peers...

-> that's fortunate

- No. that's unfortunate... depending on how you got that money you either have to pay it back to whatever bank loaned it to you, be a slave to your parents, or both, or become a criminal, or all of the above...

-> that's unfortunate

- No. that's fortunate... the degree you got somehow got you into a job that allows you to payback that loan or your parents or your bail or whatever

-> that's fortunate

- No. that's unfortunate... you have to pay taxes, social security, and some dude named "FICA", and depending on how the government handles social security, you might not even get a piece of that action...

-> that's unfortunate

- No. that's fortunate... with the leftover money you can squeak out a modest (or immodest) lifestyle and have all of this fun

-> that's fortunate

- No. that's unfortunate... you don't have as much money as you think, so you have to put it on credit, so now you make less that you spent...

and the juice is still running...

-> that's unfortunate...

- No. that's fortunate... because it allows you to do things like fly in planes, planes with good engines and good pilots...

-> that's fortunate...

- No. that's unfortunate... the plane took off with out enough fuel...

-> that's unfortunate...

- No. that's fortunate... the plane had a parachute for you...

-> that's fortunate...

- No. that's unfortunate... the parachute didn't open.

-> that's unfortunate...

- No. that's fortunate... because the plane was low enough and there is a huge haystack directly under you that can break your fall without killing you!

-> that's fortunate...

- No. that's unfortunate... because there is a pitch fork in the middle of the haystack.

-> that's unfortunate...

- No. that's fortunate... you miss the pitch fork!

-> that's fortunate...

- No. that's unfortunate...

... ... ...

you miss the haystack.

... ... ...

many moments, fleeting as they are, that make your heart flutter...

moments, meaning brief... little spurts of inspiration... motivation...

little epiphanies.

sparks of genius.

now if we could only capture each and every one of those sparks and focus them, then we could really light things up.

::: ::: :::

but life is a slow burn.

smoldering... with a deep, slow heat with a steady, even glow.

different temperatures, aren't we all? providing warmth and the occasional fire when necessary.

... ... ...

at least, most of us.

... ... ...

there are those individual flares that open our eyes and show the world beyond what we previously knew...

they illuminate for a brief moment, but then die out quickly, because a light that bright doesn't last forever...

there are also those fires that are so unique that they change the way we perceive what we already have, thus changing us just as much as those that expand our horizons...

... ... ...

but as long as you are breathing, there is always a little ember, no matter how cold or dark things may appear.

and that ember is all that you need to rekindle a blaze.

::: ::: :::

I need a brain recorder.

not the kind that take the external measurements, like electro-chemical activity, temperature, etc. etc.

no, I need a brain recorder that actually records thoughts and emotions.

it would be something that would automatically record something that you know you need recorded because it was one of those moments of genius and it is something that will probably leave your mind the second something (like a car cutting you off in traffic) crosses it...

the problem with writing ideas down is that it is quite difficult for written words to describe every feeling ever felt, not to mention the details, the subtleties of an idea.

personally, whenever I go back to an idea that I have written down, there is a 50/50 chance that I will not be able to pick up the previous fervor felt.

er... 60/40...

the problem is, the idea is so huge that I cannot hope to capture it on whatever little scrap of paper that I happen to have found, added to the fact that the second you stop thinking about an idea, it seeps away faster than [insert analogy here]

yeah...

so...

um.

nothing.

because when the oral hygenist is talking to you, it is decidedly hard to respond when there is a scraper thingy in your mouth one second and a splash of water and a vaccuum tube the next.

if they really wanted you to respond, then they would probably give you a little more time between rinses to say something. otherwise, you do nothing more than grunt or try to talk without moving your lips or tongue.

also, it dawned on me that you really spend more time with the hygenist than with the actual dentist.

the dentist just looks at the x-rays, checks for cavities, and checks your bite and I think your lymphnodes or something.

this takes all of 5 minutes, if that...

... ... ...

oh well, even with all of this new technology, my trips to the dentist seem to take just as long...

well, except for the amount of time that I wait - or in my case, don't have to wait.

I'm pretty much in when I'm scheduled and I'm out in about 40 minutes...

... ... ...

so I got that going for me...

do your fingers just type something the second you get on a computer and start surfing the web?

user names and passwords and common openings and closings seem to just instantly appear when necessary because the motions have been done so often that they are automatic...

Please let me know if there are any questions, comments, or concerns.

Thanks!
Ryan

I almost don't think about who's who in movies anymore because then second it takes me longer that 5 seconds to figure out what movie a person has been in or who else starred in or the name of a movie I'm automatically in google...

actor's name site:imdb.com

if I meet someone for the first time I automatically google them just because, and maybe I'll get lucky and find their blog or what school they went to and then I'll be able to find something of interest from the depths of my knowledge base that might coincide with whatever information I have learned... all this in hopes to avoid awkward silences or lapses into trivial small talk...

essentially, all first meetings are interviews. you ask their name, what they do, where they are from, do they know this person, what sports, until you both stumble across a subject in which you both seem to be more than just semi-interested...

politics, comics, movies, gossip, blah blah blah...

you gotta start somewhere.

human interaction and all that. no man is an island... nope, I think most people are like urban sprawl. [I'll let you figure out that similie, since I'm not sure what I mean by it]

but, i digress...

... ... ....

so sometimes, I find that I am going to the internet for no reason.

I mean, I'll be thnking about something, then I will open up a browser and just stare at a blank page.

"What the hell am I doing here?"

kind of like walking around, er.. more like wandering around, and ending up somewhere you've never been and never really wanted to go.

it's cool...

but kind of pointless and, many times, fruitless...

... ... ...

habits are habits because you no longer realize that you are doing it. If you notice, maybe you notice for a second, then that part of you that doesn't give a [say "ship" while holding your tongue] tells the other part to STFU...

or not, but I imagine it that way...

seeing the fruits of labor or the completion of truly original [or cleverly derived] thoughts are exhilarating

I feel alive...

during those rare moments - which I guess aren't so rare for those of us that are more brilliant, but none the less - few and far between for me.

... ... ...

If you don't have it, you're on the other side...

now I'm just reaching.

arrgghhh...

I'm at one of those points where I am bouncing back and forth between thinking I am a genius to thinking I am an idiot...

you know.

unless you've never had the feeling that you might really be a genius...

and if you haven't, I feel sorry for you, because then you will never know how "we" feel once in a while...

or something.

yeah...

so let us say that you do something that you think is a great accomplishment.

yeah for you!

no.

really. I mean it.

... ... ...

whatever.

... ... ...

in any case, say you accomplish something all by yourself.

yeah, you're proud. [big smile]

no help from anyone, just you, a book, a goal, and the internet...

here's the thing.

you want to tell someone.

but you can't.

why?

because either everyone expects that you should have already known this, or what you did is so trivial to them, because they have been doing it for so long, that they could give a rat's ass about what you just accomplished.

whoop-dee-doo...

so you sit there, all happy with yourself, wanting to shout out to the world.

and you have to keep it inside.

you don't care that the rest of the world doesn't care.

you're happy for that little bit because you accomplished something.

... ... ...

sigh...

... ... ...

I have to be more careful when someone comes up to me all excited about something I could give a shit about...

and a belittle the accomplishment.

... ... ...

sorry dude.

I can imagine what that feels like now.

... ... ...

and to you cynical [say "apples" while holding your tounge]...

just because I'm happy and you're not doesn't mean that you should make me join you in your misery.

they say misery loves company? well, so does happy.

[another word for another word for rooster]head.

... ... ...

[btw, this is purely what I have imagined based on the current atmosphere - I have not shared anything with anyone... I am just imagining the worst... whilst I sit here with a stupid grin on my face]

never really did a walk of shame...

I'm not that kind of a guy.

... ... ...

I go to the food court occaisionally.

usually to get panda express, because of the massive amount of food they give you for six bucks, despite it's inauthentic cuisine... I get meat, some veggies, and rice, plus its fast and generally tastes fine.

the panda express is located in the back corner of said food court, and in order to get to it, I must pass by a number of different food court vendors who peddle something similar to the panda, but not quite the same.

they dole out their little samples on sticks, and the first time, as I passed each sample, I took a sample and kept walking - my every intention on going to the panda...

so after a few visits, I kept doing this, feeling guilty with each sample I took because I never patronized...

so one day, I broke down, bought something and was sorely disappointed. I got maybe half of what I would get from the panda express and I paid a whole two dollars more.

what a rip off!

so I promised myself that I would just stick with what I know, because I was burned the first trip out of the pasture.

so today.

I went back. it's been a week or so...

I decided not to endure the gauntlet of the toothpickers and their fare, literally fishing for customers...

so I walked the long way around the food court, got my three pounds of food and walked by the other shops, holding my meal high so that all might see...

I watched them cower to the abundance to be had at lower prices...

... ... ...

and they ignored me...

... ... ...

I mean, why wouldn't they?

they are not going to give you free food if you are not going to buy their food...

I don't feel like it.

not right now.

my heart is not in it, or I'm not motivated... whatever.

I just can't seem to focus.

I can't seem to do what it is I need to do.

I think it might have to do with hunger.

yeah...

or it might not.

In any case, I have accomplished my goal.

of course.

in a few seconds...

I will fail, because I will have to return to doing what I should be doing which I said I won't do.

in 5...

4...

3...

2...

... ... ...