babiegoose.com

when I was in college... prior to doing anything that resembled work, I would find every and all excuses to avoid doing it... I would check e-mail for the nth time, IRC, C&C or Roguespear my time away, and then I would clean my dorm room... and vacuum everything...

ha... if I had homework right now, I would probably have a clean bedroom...

the whole point being that I cannot study in a room that is messy, because it draws my attention to things that are ultimately more fun... well, maybe the whole point being that I would rather do anything else than study... even to the point of cleaning... but the whole distracted by other things in the room thing is also a big thing...

yes, I was (and probably still am) the ultimate definition of a slacker... of course, I have not a clue why I have an aversion to work...

no, I do know why... the whole making a mountain out of a mole hill syndrome... I would see the work and then get overwhelmed by it and give up.

that pretty much amounts much of my philosophy in life... if you cannot do it in one shot, then do not do it...

a pretty shitty philosophy in practice... you know, now that I actually think about it...

so I should change...

except that I have work to do right now, and for some reason, I am avoiding doing it...

I have a problem.

not a problem that can be solved with a simple answer and proof... but the kind that requires thought and effort and a few weeks, if not months...

I find that I make better use of my time when I have less of it - which leads me to complaining about not having enought time to do anything... but it is one of those complaints where I know I really do not care, but it is just to announce that I am, oh, so busy...

how funny.

... ... ...

I really could use a vacuum right now though... my cubicle definitely needs it... with all the white noise generators in the office, I really doubt anyone would hear me vacuuming... and my truck... although I really would nead a steam vacuum to get the crud form the past winter out of my floor mats...

vacuuming is very therapeutic for me. what is it about vacuuming that I like so much? perhaps it is the instant gratification of seeing the lint and what not magically lifted from the carpet... the removal of dust from the random surface... I do remember watching my father vacuum the family room when I was two or three... with the old school kirby... how neat...

all I know is that I would rather vacuum than wash dishes... well, actually, I know much more than that, but I loathe dishwashing... I am also one of the few than would suffer the dishwasher rather than using it as a drying rack... apparently dishwashers save on water consumption to all you freaky hand-dishwashing people...

but to really, really set my mind at ease... give me a chunk of time and a video game and let me beat it inside and out... I will be thoroughly saited and able to focus on pretty much whatever task I am handed shortly thereafter... but if I must be interrupted from my game prior to its completion, I can guarantee that I will be quite useless for a good quarter of an hour...

games... or a good series... like alias... or neon genesis... or smallville... or trigun... or buffy... or cowboy bebop...

whatever.

... ... ...

someone please toss me compass and a map...

... ... ...

this whole not having an internet connection at night thing is really starting to bug me... that and I forgot to bring books to read...

I feel very cut off in Midland... and the cable sucks because I do not get movie channels or the WB...

but I am getting well versed in my Stargate SG-1, West Wing, and Law and Order...

I could write I thesis on it...

well...

almost.

cannot...

focus...

I just spent half the day reading through blogs and message boards...

this was quite unintentional, as I was just looking up work related topics on the net...

but my attention deficit has kicked into overdrive, and any one topic took me to another topic took me to another topic... etcetera, etcetera, ad nauseum...

and it is now 1:30PM EDT, and I must be getting back to work...

and yet, I find it quite difficult to actually stop typing this entry...

I have stretched several times in the last ten minutes already, meaning that I must be tired... or bored... no...

I am just unfocused...

to bad brains do not come with autofocus...

that might make things a bit easier...

or not...

whatever...

so the train ride continues... my train...

if there is no higher power, no great spirit, no almighty... then in the end, our lives are truly nothing - for nothing comes from nothing and returns to nothing...

if the sum of our lives amounted to nothing more than being vehicles to pass traits of a species, then this total is meaningless when you consider the relatively nonexistent period of time we, as a species, have spent (and will spend) on the planet, in the galxay, in the universe...

if the only purpose is to survive, then everything that we are is nothing more than traits passed from generation to generation. We learned to love, we learned compassion, we learned self-sacrifice...

but self-sacrfice gives no justice to the end of passing traits... we fight if threatened... so if we fight and we know we cannot win, then to fulfil the purpose of survival we must try to run. There is no alternative.

but we do not always run when we cannot win, do we?

animals are instinctive. it is instinct for the deer to stop when it hears a noise it does not recognize, and it is instinct for the deer to run away when it feels threatened. That probably means, eons ago, there were deer that probably did not stop and run, and got slaughtered by whatever predator, where the deer that turned tail and ran was able to pass on that instinct, and then its fawn would follow the example of its mother...

but perhaps, the mother dies, the offspring are left to their own devices... a pack structure would allow for fostering of those... in times of plenty...

but when times are tough, it is every beast for itself...

because the animal will not lay its life down for another... it will die fighting, or run... regardless of what it is or is not protecting...

if the only purpose is to survive, then there really is no choice is there?

to value another being over the self is not conducive to the end of survival. But we have created ethics... rules by which to live our lives, to do our work, etcetera... but ethics are derived from morals... and morals come from within...

but from where?

are morals simply another trait that is passed from generation to generation?

How do we just know what is right and what is wrong?

... ... ...

humans have choice...

we are able choose to be benevolent or malevolent...

and we are able to choose to recognize the divine and the divine within each and every one of us... (from whence our morals came...)

and we are able to choose to ignore it.

we are free to do as we will... we can choose to ignore our instincts, where as animals cannot (as it is in my mind)... animals do not self-sacrifice. self-sacrifice is a choice. (the bird that shouts the alarm to the other birds is doing so because it was the first to see the predator, it flies away shortly thereafter) animals do not commit murder. murder is a choice. animals do not compromise. compromise is a choice. no?

... ... ...

as a human, we have been endowed with the ability to communicate abstract thoughts and ideas... we think, reason, interact, and mold the world as we see fit with the tools that we have created...

we also have free will.

and with that I choose to believe that which is within me... the sense of an end greater than nothing... I look inside myself and I see a future that does not end in chaos but in Light... I am able to look inside others and see their beauty as well (whether or not I choose to acknowledge it)

I find meaning in that...

my purpose (and everything derivative) is not to serve my traits, but to serve He in Whom I believe... (however poorly I do it.)

For it was He who gave me free will...

you have free will too... however you believe.

... ... ...

no matter which way you slice it though, our choices will build the legacy of the life that we live in the very short amount of time we have in this existence...

regardless of an ending of darkness or of light, what matters is what we do now, today.

the beauty is in the choice of benevolence...

for the traits, or for His glory...

... ... ...

The train has come to a complete stop. Please exit using the marked doors, and thank you for choosing...

last week... in a nutshell...
monday... worked, drank with co-workers because someone I did know was rolling off of a project... feeling a cold coming on...
tuesday... worked, eat and drank with co-workers under the guise of team building - rocked trivial pursuit pop culture and took all of their money at poker... cold is coming on stronger...
wednesday... worked, put paperwork together and made sure my money was still in the bank where I left it because it was about to get drained... throat is sore and coughing like I only have one lung..
thursday... day off... lorie missed her flight, final walk-through in the house that was about to become ours, closing on the house... keys in hand...
the house is ours...
friday... sick as a dog. slept until 4:00 - met with the priest at 5:30 with lorie to talk about wedding... took some comtrex... ate... bought the rundown and good will hunting... got a hair cut... slept some more, with the help of comtrex night-time, until...

saturday... moved the customary sto. nino, rice, salt, and sugar in the morning when the moon is between the new and full moon (as opposed to between the full and new moon - the difference being the moon getting bigger and the moon getting smaller... but you are smart, so you know what I am talking about... of course you do...) played mortal kombat: deadly alliance and got sick with Sub-zero - like 8 hit combo 40% damage sick... changed the locks on the house... ate pho and played more mortal kombat...

it is now sunday... my brain is kind of reeling... my bank account is considerably lighter, I have a mortgage, gas and electric bills, a house that needs paint and drywall and paint, a wedding that needs to be planned and paid for, a kink in my neck, work tomorrow, a cold that will not quit, a fiancee that is out of town, a busted cell phone, and a heaping of dirty laundry...

but for some reason, I could not feel more happy, thankful, blessed, loved, appreciative...

well, maybe I could...

but right now I am riding on a wave of wonderful...

I am just scared that this wave is gonna crash when I am not ready...

crazy... hunh?

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[interjection], [pronoun] [present tense verb] [adverb] [conjunction] [adverb]...

[What] [a] [waste] [of] [time] [ellipses] [ellipses] [ellipses]

[Article] [Noun].

:-P

the denoument...

where the pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place...

another monumental moment...

this is but the first, or perhaps second, in the series of chapters that dot my twenties...

yeah, the second...

it is strange sense when something that was so long in planning is nigh. Both proud and humbling.

exciting and terrifying.

happy...

and sad...

As much faith as I had that I knew the Lord would take care of Lorie and me, I was still scared (just a little) because the moves we were making were so very frightening...

on many different levels.

After manuevers of that degree, the inconsequential things all but disappear, bringing a chuckle and a sigh as they are remembered for what they are truly.

how we love to focus on the drama of our lives, while many times blocking out the deepest moments...

(and when I say we, I guess I really mean me, since I cannot possibly know what you are thinking)

how often do we find ourselves voicing our complaints about the little problems in life, you know, the ones we know we can handle? we find that we are sometimes to scared to share the more pressing, the more real issues of our lives because deep down we are afraid that we just might not be able to handle it...

when our real problems comes to a head and we solve them, do we not tend to try to forget about them as quickly as possible? The most difficult times are hidden away because we do not want to remember how frightened we were. No one sits around and reminisces about the time they almost died or about how they were robbed, regardless of how it turns out. We do not, because we know, at that moment, our worst fears were coming true...

we know that if we could talk about it, then we were not truly afraid...

unless someone else brings it up, but we still do not dwell...

right?

We celebrate the victories we knew we could win because they assure us of our known abilities, because we had the confidence and had a safety net of sorts to catch us if we fall... or fail...

but the "death-defying" leaps that must be made time and again, shake us to our cores and leave us exhausted...

yes we cheer, but it is certainly not the same.

we are changed.

it was a battle, not a game.

God has helped us through and given us a new presecription with which to view the world.

and the suddenly the picture is much bigger.

and the little things fall away...

... ... ...

the more we know, the more we realize we do not know.

it should be easy to be humble.

just open your eyes and see...

... ... ...

ah, but that is the hard part...

seeing what is as opposed to how we think it is.

... ... ...

hey.

if you figure that one out.

let me know, ok?

... ... ...

then we have to figure out what to do once we know what we see is true.

but I think that will be a little easier.

... ... ...

it is easier to set things up, once we know how we want to knock them down.

... ... ...

uncongested freeways are killer.

I can take my 120 mile commute to Miland and put it into 90 minutes. Door to door...

that means I average 80 miles per hour...

of course, I get horrendous gas mileage at that point, but gas is relatively cheap here has compared to other part of the country.

the problem with driving that fast twice a week, is that anything slower than 60 seems like standing still...

and all of Midland is 35 mph or less...

fortunately, I have been burned previously in Midland with a speeding ticket... albeit 5 years ago, but it was still a ticket, and so a faithfully abide by the posted speed limits within the city limits...

which is why I am so glad my apartment is only three miles from my office.

so no traffic.
no daily 30-minute one-way commute.

but no unfettered internet access... client access to the internet blocks all instant messengers and I cannot get on friendster either...

not that I go there anymore...

but whatever... I am not sure that I will be up here all that much longer...

... ... ...

but I said that about my last project...

... ... ...

and that lasted three years...

... ... ...

I have to get back to work.

Tight deadlines require...

the need for speed.

and with a cloud of fire and brimstone...

he is gone.

much like my friend, time... he pops in and out, sometimes staying for a long time, and then leaving right when you need him, just realizing the whole while you were taking him for granted.

you miss him now that he is gone...

... ... ..

I wonder what he does when he is not around...

I cannot not pick scabs...

they are the badges of battle that must be removed because of I-do-not-know-why...

I cannot put it into words.

... ... ...

I tried... but nothing made sense.

... ... ...

anything on my shins, knees, hands, or arms are usually the most opted areas for scab removal... quite possibly because they are in my line of sight...

there is something to that out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing...

... ... ...

I would cover myself up completely, but it is hard to shower with a full cover of clothes...

... ... ...

strange how a collection of dried blood and plateletes can be so fascinating...

... ... ...

next time I shall try aversion therapy...

I like pocky, but then again I like almost anything covered in chocolate...

almost...

but this is not about that.

... ... ...

no, this is about the impending end of the world type scenario...

fire and ice type of thing...

Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if I had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great and would suffice.

~Robert Frost

... ... ...

just because stuff like this just runs through my mind every so often...

given the potential for an all out war...
that, and too many sci-fi movies corrupting my brain...

not so much serious thought, but more imagination running amuck...

amuck, amuck, amuck...

... ... ...

if the world was plunged into an all out war a la Terminator...

where do you see yourself?

if there was a cataclysm the likes of "Lucifer's Hammer"...

how would you handle it?

if there was a plague of "28 Days Later" proportions...

what would... how do...

screw that... I would be hiding somewhere no one could find me...

and why is it that zombies never attack each other? why do they always for for the fresh meat? maybe they would go cannibal if the fresh meat ran out... but I guess they never get to that point in the movies.

... ... ...

I would guess that many people would find religion very fast, and that churches and temples would get very full...

Then there would be your military types that will try to take over, or help, or both.

Then there would be the angry/crazed mob.

... ... ...

I guess I would head west, toward the mountains, or north towards the wilderness, away from large bodies of water...

and fall out...

I would also go on a shopping spree (assuming I had the presence of mind to realize the end of the world was coming) and charge everything.

... ... ...

ok...

I am done thinking about that.

time to stop...

you hold the line, keep it all together...

... ... ...

things can get messy...

well they can. given a closed system, say, the universe, entropy will move from a low state to a higher state... order to chaos... (in an open system, like a freezer, you can actually move from chaos to order because of the energy can be removed from the system, thus taking it from a higher state to a lower state... but that is for general chem and physics I)

take your every day fish sticks, for example.

nice, neat, breaded.

you place them on the baking sheet (I use a rack - to let the excess oil drain of the sticks - it makes them crunchier) in an organized manner, and for some reason or another, the run-off oil and the loose breading cause a nice mess from splatters and what not...

messy, like I said.

just like dealing with people.

you can dance around the issue, you can try to be a hands-off has possible, but as neat as you can make something, it just turns ugly.

fugly.

mofugly.

bumofugly.

... ... ...

and then [poof] like that...

it is all better...

well, at least the illusion of "all better" seems pretty realistic.

... ... ...

I am hungry.

... ... ...

we close next week...

on our house.

that lorie and I will own...

hers and my house.

our... preciousssssss... it is mineses...

craziness, drama and all...

talk about some big steps. I thought buying my car was a big deal. now the down payment for the house is almost more than the cost of my car...

I feel like the Swingout Sisters... breaking out and stuff...

... ... ...

ok... that just dated me... did it not?

... ... ...

whatever...

don't stop to ask
and now you've found a break to make at last
you've got to find a way
say what you want to say

... ... ...

breakout...

stand your ground, men
stand your ground...

getting away is never an easy thing to do...

there is always something there to...

stop you...

comfort, obligation, respect, love, money, routine...

something.

go where your heart takes you, for it is God who will be your guide...

... ... ...

youre the one true thing I know I can believe in... Read more.

sigh.

and I will sit and stare at it for a while...

that feeling of accomplishment. of satisfaction.

actualization of a dream. a design.

it fills the chest with pride.

and then you just stare at it.

... ... ...

well, I just stare at it.

soaking it in until I realize that I am wasting time.

but it was something you created (with His help of course)...

... ... ...

and this is not even a child.

so I cannot imagine the sheer joy that birth will bring for so many people in the coming months.

when I write a good program with good documentation, I look over it with awe for a good minute or so, admiring my own genius.

heh heh heh...

so I will probably be one of those parents who do not get sleep for the first few nights after the birth of my child (which will be years away, people) because I will stay up and gaze... in awe, admiration, filled with joy and happiness, and love...

I can imagine the love...

flowing from a bottomless well...

and I am positive that what I imagine has nothing on the real thing...

sigh.

... ... ...

and here I sit, staring... because I made I document that I liked...

how silly is that?

very, I guess...

... ... ...

when I write something which is relatively good...

or draw something of which is a rather good likeness...

or build anything which is both functional and aesthetic...

or when I figure out the in's and out's of that new toy that I just got, because it was useless thirty minutes ago, but now is the coolest thing this side of sliced bread...

and these have nothing on the gift of bringing a life into this world...

... ... ...

good job, rob and ellen... (mostly ellen, since she had to do the tough stuff...)

God smiles upon you this day...

Gob Bless you and your new son...

if the the conversation or whatever is not remotely interesting.

the problem being that you cannot physically leave the situation.

or, relatively, if the conversation was full of interest, but it died and the conversation just stops.

In my experience this leads to a lot of downcast eyes and a few "Hmmmmm...."'s

that is funny to me...

but only from the outside observation, I actually feel quite uncomforatble with those silences when I am not comfortable with the people with whom I am conversing.

I usually break those silences by leaving the physical area or feigning sleep if I cannot leave.

Of couse, pretending to sleep while you are trying to "network" is rather unprofessional and, in all other ways, silly.

... ... ...

the spoon in my hot chocolate has fallen below the the surface of the hot chocolate, and is now covered with hot chocolate.

... ... ...

so in those situation where a psuedo-somnia is a non-option, I try to say something stupid and then gauge the reaction of the person who is now trying to figure out if it is a joke they do not get or if the individual with whom they are speaking is truly an idiot. They could also be estimating that I have decided that the conversation has died and I am using a childish ploy to stimulate further conversation or to scare that person away.

If I manage to scare said person, they will usually find someone else in the vicinity, freeing up my space, thus allowing me to be anti-social or, better yet, a chance for a nap.

... ... ...

this stupid pdf is taking forever (which has now been defined as 7 minutes and 53 seconds) to download.

... ... ...

I find that short naps, or "power naps", are actually quite beneficial, short-term, for reviving the body to continue for another hour or so. I was not privileged (last friday) to receive such an honor until the lovely, Lorie, was so gracious enough to bestow me with the opportunity whilst she drove me home...

in my car...

which just had the windshield replaced...

because it was cracked...

and she had my car because she did not have hers and she needed to get her wedding dress fitted...

... ... ...

I bought some alleve two weeks ago...

I think I might take one or two now...

... ... ...

"Thank you."

and I rise,
wipe the sleep out of my eyes...

Right now, at this moment, I am of the opinions that Mondays are far from manic. They are more depressive if anything...

But that is just me.

But interest rates dropped, so that is a good thing.

I am sleepy.

And originally Snow White's seven dwarves (although I think Tolkien said it was "dwarfs") were not given names...

I am waiting for a call.

I will not wait much longer.

After I am done waiting, I will call.

If that call is not receive, then I will have to wait again.

... ... ...

I need to shave...

the shaving razor is cold, and it stings.

like an onion...

you know, with layers...

how many times do we look at something, and only see the outside of it... when we look at people we do not know (hopefully only people we do not know) we can only see surface...

sometimes we can see what is underneath that surface by looking a little harder, prodding a little deeper...

but underneath that... there is a world that is rarely, if ever, is shown.

imagine a lake... the glassy surface over dark water... you can see your reflection in that surface... at the surface, but your reflection does not make the water, does not define the water.

so you focus, and try to see past that reflection into the water... and you see... seaweed.

but underneath the canopy of watery leave is the realm totally different from the reality at the surface... perception, motion, and life being chasms apart.

no matter what you have seen from the surface, or even what is underneath the surface, cannot prepare you for the substance underneath what is underneath.

As is the lake, so is the person...

it was, and most definitely still is, a fault of mine for me to assume that I know people. what I know is what I perceive, and I take for granted that not all perception is reality.

add a heaping of egocentrism and mix it with intelligence and personality and you have got one arrogant mass of cells functioning as a symbiotic unit...

then the moment you realize that the world does not revolve around you is the moment in which your universe all but implodes, and you are left standing in the vastness trying to figure out which direction to go.

but the world in which we live has an economic structure, and if I am not the one pulling the strings, the who is the puppeteer? we are all marionettes marching to the direction of our minstrel...

unless, we are not being manipulated, but guided. so rather than strings, there are roads and labyrinths... roads where we have the freedom to choose our path, or labyrinths where our choice has lead us to a certain end ordained by its architect.

the idea that I am not in control of the choices I make is unsettling to me. so I am for the road. the path is there, but at least I have a choice.

but what about the master manipulators? those who can make you believe that you are choosing, but really leave you with no choice... this is absurd because you always have a choice... but it is the willingness to accept the consequence of going against the mob or against propriety or against the wind... those people can anticipate your choice or rather prepare for every choice that can be made...

like chess, if you can anticipate every move, every combination, then your opponent cannot surprise you, cannot attack you. are our lives a game of chess to those than have the vantage point?

His will be done.

I cannot affect things that are out of my range of influence. I am not a great writer, filmmaker, poet, spokesperson, official, or celebrity.

Perhaps my actions do not matter to anyone that is not me, but as long as they matter to me then what I do does matter. but what I must keep in mind is that my choice is my choice and in the end there is only One to Whom I must answer...

and I must put myself into perspective.

how can you know what is underneath my underneath when I am not sure about it myself.

I am swimming in the seaweed.

who knows...

maybe we are swimming in the same patch...

for what would you sacrifce your life?

in nature sans religiosus, what would be the point of sacrifice? there is no evolutionary benefit, unless of course procreation was no longer viable...

why are we compelled to preserve life?

if you were forced to renouce your faith or die, would you die?

I would die wholeheartedly...

but could you kill for your faith? would you?

Moral acts manifest from what is intended not according to what is beside the intention...

if the intention was to preserve your life, and death was not caused by unnecessary violence of self-defense then it is permissible...

If you were told to renounce Jesus or die, would you fight to live?

What if someone else were to die if you did not renouce your faith?

The blame would not be yours, but I would imagine that the sadness would be any less...

I imagine that if the fight were futile, God would give you peace before becoming a martyr...

But imagining is all I can do...

I have never been and hope to never be in that situation...

but I would fight or I would die.

well...

that stone dropped farther than I wanted it to...

so I will let it rest here...

you are supposed to get eight hours of sleep a night, usually...

but sometimes, that is just not an option.

I think your brain (and my brain) works better on adequate sleep. You can function, to a degree, with some sleep, but you have to get just enough to not get to the point where you need to go all the way...

do you know what I mean?

ok. well, I know what I mean, so just because you do not know what I mean does not mean that it is meaningless...

anyhow, what was my point?

oh. there was none.

and does anyone know the words to Brahms' Lullaby (you know, the "lullaby, and goodnight" song) without looking it up on the net?

I think, if you are like most people, that you can get the first three words (which I have already given you) and you are then relegated to humming the rest... Read more.

that in order to grow, you must learn from your past.
those that do not study the past are doomed to repeat it.
those that do not look forward cannot plan.
those that do not see the present do not live.

so, it makes sense that you have to keep everything in mind.

so, does that mean, that if you do repeat the past then you are not growing. because you did not study the past, and because you did not study the past your future that you may or may not have planned is for naught. and seeing the present does you no good, because the present is reliving the past, because you did not study the past.

so after the present, but before the future, you must study the past, so that the present does not repeat the past, and the future can be planned accordingly.

... ... ...

so what happens when you cannot study the past. If you have amnesia.

I guess your SOL then, hunh?

but does not having a past automatically imply that you have no future. the past is the base, if you have no base then does not the structure fall?

look at what happend to Wolverine - Logan as he (and we) thought, but I guess James as they would now have it.

and just when you thought you knew someone...

... ... ...

the brain is a remarkable thing, able to multi-task and also handle many different things at the same time. it can do a lot.

so perhaps learning from the past while planning for the future in the present that you see is not as hard as it sounds...

... ... ...

this timeline has been put on a Mobius strip. if I wait long enough, I will run into myself in the future in the past.

so that would mean that in order for me to time travel backwards in time I would have to travel forward?

... ... ...

and you thought that physics had everything on lock.

Tell that to God.

I am sure He could learn ya a thing or two...

... ... ...

what about the people who do not care about anything. are they doomed? (doomed... )

no past, no future, no present. what, then, would be the point. just a waste of resources. plug them into the Matrix, at least they would be good for something.

... ... ...

so, in the Matrix - if the humans born of machines, does that mean that they do no have souls?

Apparently, animals do not have souls...

... ... ...

ok...

I am done.

there is a reason why.

if I think hard enough about it, I might be able to put a finger on it...

to grasp it even.

but there is something marvelous about being able to take the pictures in your head, and show everyone else what it is you see...

the irony is, that while you are making it possible for people to see what it is you want them to see, you think of other things that you want them to see...

this creates the problem that you spend all of your time showing people what you want them to see...

and just like Jesse Spano, "No time! No Time! There's never enough time! ... ... ... Sing? Sing? I'm soo excited... I'm sooo excited I'm so... scared!"

I wish I could get paid for that... the time I spend trying to make people see my visions...

alas...

we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns. who is going to do it? you? ...

son, I more responsibility here than you can possibly fathom...

You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. you need on that wall...

we use words like Code, Honor, Loyalty, we use those words as the backbone of a lifetime defending something, you use them as a punch line.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom which I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said "Thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I do not give a damn to what you think you are entitled to.

... ... ...

I removed the contractions... I have been trying to write without using them - you know, contractions...

do not know why... just one of those things that I felt like doing.

... ... ...

anyhow, I really want to make music video out of the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's version of "Carol of the Bells"...

I see the video in my head everytime I hear it...

but I never got around to actually getting the song and scripting out the video...

but no one steal my idea ok?

because that would make me sad.

...

cut.

print.

aaaand... that is a wrap.

I grew up watching a lot of movies...

it happens when your parents are super paranoid and will not let you go farther from the house than they can see or hear...

that and stolen cable.

in many a movie you would see the hero or villain sneakily make his way through the sewers or access tunnels that were somehow over-looked by whoever.

if you had an adventurous imagination, then you probably imagined that you could somehow get down there and run around and pretend that you were the hero (or villain, because I made you be the bad guy) and that your voice would echo in the cavernous labyrinth of concrete.

this lasted until you saw the movie "Alligator" and then you were either scared of sewers or you actually wanted to find the gators...

then you learned about what really goes through those pipes, and your desire to not catch hepatitis A kept you a healthy distance from most sewer entrances...

... ... ...

I left my glasses at home, so I must wear my contacts...
they are bothering me right now, probably because I have not taken them off since Thursday last week...

... ... ...

the snow had thawed, mostly, this past week. But it snowed again, covering the ground with about an inch at most...

but, over the course of the winter (which was sadly short this year, I going snowboarding all of three times this season) there has always been this pathway of thawed ground. No snow cover whatsoever, ever.

I thought this was neat, and I never inquired to the reason that these paths traversed the different buildings of the corporate campus...

So then I though I was seeing the paths of the underground access tunnels the suits use to hide the movement of the genetic experimentations and weapons research... The tunnels were obviously heated, thus causing the ground above it (as heat rises) to be warm enough to dissuade any amount of snow from accumulating...

this was, of course, ludicrous because I am on a corporate campus, so - duh - none of the experiments would take place here... those experiments take place offsite... in a mountain somewhere...

no... my imagination was shattered when I learned that they were nothing more than steam pipes...

... ... ...

unless...

unless that is what "they" want us to believe...

it has been said that unhappy memories are more easily remembered and that happy moments seem to be harder to hold...

that human existence is defined through suffering...

but that could be a pessimistic point of view...

if it has not been said, then I just said it, so shut up...

In any case, I would not know, as I have not tried to recall any memories today...

I would think that the memories most easily recalled will be similar to the current state of mind. Happiness recalls happiness, anger relives anger, sadnesses evokes sadness...

... ... ...

so in my current state of mind, I am simply, "Blah"

so no memories are triggered...

... ... ...

but what I do find interesting is that those emotions and feelings on the negative end of the spectrum are much easier to describe and feel, in writing, than happier moments...

I have read and written that "Words cannot describe" or "I cannot capture" more often for joy than for sorrow.

What is that?

Is it because we are so elated that we do not want to share it with the world so that the happiness is ours alone?

Is it because there are truly no words to describe the wonderful feelings that are felt every day?

Is it because we are too busy being euphoric that we do not want to waste the precious time to bother putting it down in words...

... ... ...

I would think the last one makes the most sense...

... ... ...

perhaps that is why it is so much easier spitting out rants and raves in words, because, frankly, we have the time, and it is therapeutic...

... ... ...

I guess then, happiness is something that must be felt, not read...

if you can feel happy reading someone elses blog, then that instant was truly momentous happiness for the writer, and what you are feeling is probably a mere fraction of what the writer felt...

words do it no justice...

whereas, on the opposite end of the spectrum, writing down misery and wretchedness takes away some of the impact...

the sadness you read or feel is a mere fraction of what the writer felt...

but words dull the edge of the pain...

by putting it in words, the negativity becomes physical, and it can be more easily managed.

so maybe our sadness is not as easily written down as it is more sympathetic... we have all experienced it, and we can recall it with much more feeling because it sticks out more and it is much more generic (but not any less insignificant)

so basically we have all been there, but when we are happy, we all have not experienced all the joys that others have felt, so we cannot relate so your happiness is happiness for me feeling my happiness... your happiness is indirect...

and indirect happiness, although very good, is not as satisfying as direct happiness...

... ... ...

I cannot share my happiness with you because you must be there when I first experience the happiness, otherwise what you see will be an echo of the happiness...

so then, the first moment of happiness, for a given event, must be the greatest moment of happiness...

but this would be under the assumption that the event is totally realized, as the first moment of partially realized happiness can be overshadowed by the full realization of the happiness later...

whatever...

and since "words cannot describe" this initial moment of happiness (because really, who wants to be a kill-joy and stop and write down what is going on?) you had better ride that wave of delight until it ripples onto the shore...

then you can write it down later...

oh... but then trying to write it down does not feel quite like the moment when you first felt it, so you think "Nah, I will not try to put it down in words because I do not know how"

of course, this could just be me...

well.. that is me, since I wrote it...

but because happy moments should be, need to be, captured, we feebly attempt to express the unexpressable with a recordable language...

perhaps if we could psychically blog, then we would be able to share those moments... they would still be echoes of the orginal moment, but more than words could show...

... ... ...

too bad we cannot access the invisible floating cameras that record every moment and feeling of our lives...

I guess God is the only one who has access to that...

... ... ...

I could make some dope videos with that footage though...

It's not funny.
It's not fair.

how can I atone.

are you ok?

spam is the ultimate bane of my e-mail existence...

I personally have seven separate e-mail accounts that I check regularly...

four of them being junk mail accounts...

(Seven accounts are easily managed with Outlook, so no, it is not that big of a deal)

So I have managed to virtually eliminate the porn, lower mortgage, herbal viagra, and penis enlargement crap from my actual e-mail accounts...

But thanks to the incredible computer geniuses of the world, I am now able to receive spam comments in my blog.

how nice.

except for... not really.

Fortunately, I have the power to delete my comments that try to "share" the knowledge and joy of bigger phalluses...

One day, never, I will perhaps need this knowledge to save the human race.

I will begin the composition of a requiem for that inauspicious day...

and weep.

for some, blogging is a refuge from the maddening crowd.

What sick person violates that refuge with hopes of erectile dysfuntion cures.

sick...

sad...

at least there is some good news...

I saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico!

and

the colors of the rainbow are so pretty in the sky... Read more.

I have never really thought about that expression, not really...

The expression simply means that there are several ways to arrive at the same end...

but really...

how many ways are there to skin a cat?

I actually have skinned a cat once in 1995...

a cat, a fetal pig, a frog...

and a cadaver - but not so much skinned as dissected and examined...

that was jacked up...

call me crazy, but there is just something weird about holding embalming fluid-soaked human remains...

the experience seems less macabre now... but that could be the fact that it has been almost ten years...
... ... ...

I also skinned my knee...

again...

last night...

this time the left knee (as I skinned my right knee last week)

playing soccer...

... ... ...

In any case, I can only see one way to skin a cat...

by separating the skin from the muscles by cutting the superficial fascia...
everything else is just details...

... ... ...

I also performed the "skin the cat" maneuver on the rings when I was in gymnastics a decade and more ago...

... ... ...

there is something to be said of the maxim "The best place to hide is in plain sight."

when solving a problem, regardless of if the solution is a so easy that it would take two seconds to fix, I like to know how and why...

so the problem may have been solved immediately, but I will continue to work on it until I figure out the how and why, just so I have it in the future and hopefully make that jump to 'C' from 'A' without going through 'B'...

... ... ...

um... never mind... I do not know where I was going with this...

I am sure I would know, if I tried to think about it... but I do not care...

Did you know that the Super Big Gulp has a larger volume than the average human stomach?

I would assume the bucket of pop they give you in a super sized meal at McDonalds is up there as well...

I was rather famished at lunch today, as I skipped my customary oatmeal and hot chocolate breakfast so I decide to make a trek to Arby's (because different is good)...

I typically get two roast beef sandwiches, on a part of a "meal" - I do not know how it is classified as a meal, really, because it contains roast beef (meat), the bun and fries (starch), oil, and sugar, water, and additives... there are no essential nutrients contained therein, only calories, or more accurately - too many calories - with which to sustain the body for some time...

but I was feeling adventurous and I got the chicken fillet - which has [gasp] lettuce! (adventurous, except for not really, because I think the chicken is the next thing down on my list...)

I went back to my apartment and ate my fries with, you guessed it, ketchup (ketchup has lycopene - a chemical that can turn you into a werewolf - and save males from prostate problems! But I think the werewolf thing is more fun.)

I was tempted to get a roast beef sandwich along with the chicken sandwich, but I stopped. Fortunately for me, the "meal" as satisfactory, and I did not require further sustenance. I also have the appetite of a little girl, which is probably why I ate four tagalongs and three thin mints as dessert.

Now if I add of the calories, I should have enough to last me the rest of the week.

I hear I should drink water... but I do not trust the water in Midland... (except for the fact that I am all out of V8 splash and water is the only thing keeping me from dehydrating in my uberdry apartment...)

Maybe I should pull a "Signs" and leave glasses of water lying everywhere and leave the thermostat at 85 degrees F in hopes that it will "humidify" my apartment...

or I could buy a humidifier...

but that would be silly... because I would have to pay for that...

... ... ...

and so concludes my profundus postus maximus...

or in the Aztec: mostitlan profounditlan postitlan...

... ... ...

your face...

so in my youthful days...

you could say that I was an anger ball... I had a short temper, I never listened, and I always had to be right, even when I was wrong...

well... some may argue that this has not changed (but they would be wrong... I listen now and I accept when I am wrong)

In any case, there was this one instance, in high school - you know before the internet was prevalent (but had less inappropriate content... maybe) and Color Me Badd was cool...

ok... Color Me Badd might have never been cool... but I had both CD's so does that make me uncool? I think not.

Whatever. In highschool, I was coming off of a bad beat at one of the... ahem... quiz bowl tournaments... (moderator made a bad call, and cost us the points to win the match, thus losing us the tournament)... and this car was parked a mere inch from mine, thus not allowing me to enter my car from the driver's side.

The culmination of my anger of losing and the nerve of this jerk parking so close without leaving me a can opener manifested into the action of me keying the car to hell...

I think I might have even put a hole in it...

and now... a whole... um... ten years later, when I have a much better grasp of my emotions... sort of... my keys have taken the opportunity to lash out.

and I have been keyed by my own keys...

and I bleed.

Vengeance is a dish best served cold...

I: no, there is too much. let me sum up...

... ... ...

Well this sucks...

I spent an hour typing up something... did not save it, and when I tried to post it, it all got lost because the stupid company firewall needed re-authentication...

that bites...

... ... ...

W: That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this... [Shakes head from side to side]

F: Hey! You just shook your head -- that doesn't make you happy?

W: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmmm?