babiegoose.com

the following is utter randomness and my own introspection into my own head...

it will be quite long... so don't feel bad if you don't read it all...

... ... ...

I've been a bit peopled out as of late...

I really don't think I would like telepathy if I could not completely shut out other people's thoughts from my head... because being around too many people too long is probably akin to people talking in your head all of the time...

did you ever notice how your patience with people gets shorter and shorter without you even realizing it?

as you get more comfortable with people, it is almost as if the courtesy of watching what you say (tact) evades you.

but there is the point where you can overly watch what you say (tactful), where you sound evasive and overly cautious, which, to me, it quite infuriating.

I have a lot to vent right now... so I think I'll let my fingers keep going until they stop....

I, by no means, have ever thought of my self as perfect... perhaps well-balanced and intelligent, but never perfect.

I admit, I can be tactless, but never to the point where I thought it was over stepping any bounds...

and if I lose face, then so be it. If it matters to me, I know that I can redeem myself, and in that process I will learn from my mistakes.

you cannot make me learn from yours.... but I do appreciate your attempt to salvage me... that doesn't mean I will take your advice.

And do not put words into other people's mouths, for if they have something to say - let them say it. You cannot speak for them.

I am impatient.

that has and probably always will be a part of my nature.

Yes. I have tried to change that and yes, I do recognize when I am being so.

but as they say, "Do not get in the way of a jerk and his goals"

I can be a jerk. I admit that as well, but I never mean to instigate a conflict.

I do not sit around thinking about how I can get into an argument with someone. I like a good debate, I like to be right, and I like to win... but don't think you can garner points by pointing out character flaws.

just because I'm loud and boisterous and insensitive does not mean I am not right.

in fact, I would say that the best way to shut me up is to prove me wrong.

don't worry, I will be mad at myself, not at you if you do point this out...

however rare :-P

(but it would probably be best to leave me be, because I will be brooding and hypersenstive after being shown that what I thought to be true was not - seriously - no one likes to be shown they are wrong - and as resilient as people are, no one bounces back to their original height without some time...)

I do not target. I do not make it my mission to beat someone. I compete. I like winning, but my point is to try to be the best I can. If I am beat, I really do not see it as the opponent beating me, but as me not being prepared.

which has been cause for debate, since it might look that I might see myself as better than everyone else.

do not make this mistake. I do not think I am better than everyone else... I simply do not care what you think when I am try to make myself better... so you beat me once, or twice. big deal. I'm in it for the long haul buster. I'm not looking for rival. I've got to keep beating myself instead of getting beat by myself.

why do we front, what is it with in us that we find that we need to hide? we are very paradoxial creatures... we are very public yet we are very private.

we want to share our thoughts, yet we keep them guarded...

of course, I could just be talking about myself.

but I'm pretty sure I'm not.

show me someone who likes to lose.

... ... ...

yeah.

that's what I thought.

to be sure, there are many subtle levels to this mentality, but this is innate in human nature.

survival.

it is instinct.

and I am not saying there are not infinite ways to handle each and every situation that is presented.

all I'm saying is that we both display and cover, that we both give and take, that we all win and lose.

... ... ...

there's a balance to everything. I think balance is important. things need to be in perspective, because once you lose that, then you are just crazy.

think of it this way: The better you become, there has got to be at least one person out there getting worse. The more good you do, there is someone else doing bad.

one has nothing to do with the other, but it is there.

and so shall it be, until the coming of Christ.

... ... ...

here read my blog.

do you think you see me?

you only see the me that I present to you.

is this the real me?

do you even know me?

perhaps.

do you define me?

perhaps not.

maybe what you see is what you get.

maybe my mind isn't as complex as I would like to think and that the whole world has figured me out.

maybe I'm living an illusion.

or maybe not.

so far, no one has shown me otherwise.

and until then, I will walk by faith (and not by sight)

nature abhors a paradox.

you cannot accelerate to the speed of light.

you cannot turn back time.

well... unless God says you can.

... ... ...

we want power, yet we do not want to take the responsibility. we want knowledge, but we do not share it.

again, there are degrees to this.

we may be reluctant to take power because of the responsibilty, but there are times when power would be nice.

we may have the knowledge but perhaps lack the patience to teach.

... ... ...

it is not enough for me to be simply be humble, because I feel need to embody humble. I do not want to fake it.

I want to be generous, but I want to it be from the heart and not the head.

... ... ...

I am egotistical, overly confident to the point of arrogance, greedy, lustful, quick to anger, lazy, and envious...

all I need is to eat like a pig all of the time and I will be the poster child for the seven deadly sins...

so there...

thus begins my introspection into what it is I will be doing with my life and how I will try to become the person I should, while trying to be the person I have always wanted...

examine your conscience.

examine your life.

The new year begins.

I'm cleaning out my life and my head.

let me know you will be there if I need you.

but do not get in my way.

... ... ...

have you ever looked into the darker side of your soul?

what have you found there?

does it scare you?

... ... ...

it scares the shit out of me...

... ... ...

this is my life. I am going to build it according to the path that has been lain before me.

I will make choices.

Some will be right, some will be wrong.

I will make people happy, sad, nervous, angry, annoyed.
I will make people love, hate, laugh, and cry.
I will gain friends and I will lose friends.

God will be my guide. I must believe. I do believe.

my life.

you have one too.

live yours...

and I will live mine.

after years of torture and anguish...

(Well, it felt like years)

I have completed the recovery and restoration of babiegoose.com...

you see, when my previous, more expensive, host changed how it did stuff, I lost access to movable type and my ability to export any entry from babiegoose.com.

so I had to do it manually - the import template that restored babiegoose.com was painstakingly hand-crafted - comments and all - over the last few weeks...

this, of course, required time - which, with the advent (hee heed) of Christmas, and what not - was something of which I found very little...

not that I had much going on...

the last few weeks were just a bit overwhelming to the point I got tired just thinking of the things that I had to do.

discouraging would probably be a better word...

in any case, since I have been sleeping on the couch since the fire, I have found that my back might not like the positions in which it finds itself, thus causing me discomfort.

uuuhhhhggg.... I'm just glad I got all of the stupid entries re-inserted into the matrix.

oh, so yeah, a lot of things happened over the last couple of weeks.

as I am sure things have happened with you.

of course I have not had the opportunity to delve into the worlds of others so I have a bit of catching up to do.

so yeah...

I'll be dropping a few more entries before the year turns...

Please bear with us, as we attempt to salvage the last six months of randomness...

Until recovery, restoration, and reconstruction is complete - we will temporarily be on hiatus from posting and reading posts...

Thank you for stopping by, please feel free to explore what has been recovered, restored, and reconstructed...

Please note: Chapter X and Gray Avalanche will not be immediately restored, due to the monster known as "Lack of Interest" - updates to follow, in spite of said monster...

oh... and here's a cute picture of lorie and lulu (her lhasa/pekingese mix) - I call her mutt... (lulu, not lorie)

(I only tolerate lulu because we both deeply love the same woman)

I'm still trying to move stuff between host servers, and now I have to move back because lorie has all of this stuff on the mail server on the other host...

and I, being the inconsiderate a$$#*!@, did not tell her to move her stuff over...

so now she's no longer going to use the mail provided by this new host, even though I will be moving all of her stuff over for her...

she hates change...

I'm probably not her favorite person right now...

:-(

... ... ...


so, again, this entry will most likey disappear and once I figure out how to import the entries from the other host, those entries will replace these...

Please note, I am also working on work simultaneously...

and I couldn't play soccer yesterday because I was, and still am, sick...

... ... ...

oh... and I slept from 6:15pm to 5:30am straight...

and I'm mad hungry right now...

is the utter lack of stress in one and the utter lack of contemplative thought in the other...

either way, though, I found that I had no desire to blog... either I was not inclined to log in, or I was much to busy to even think about anything other than work...

last week, I had a nice stretch - my time mainly consisting of annihilating necromancers in my quest for vengance, resurrecting demons, destroying said resurrected demon, and protecting the vestiges of my dwindling forest homelands...

that and I shredded about 8 years of paper that has somehow accumulated in my room within various boxes and trunks.

8 years of paper would include credit card applications and dating services mostly, along with old letters and birthday cards...

I didn't think I kept things like old letters, but we I unearthed a cache of latters from 1994-1996 I realized I was no better than the next pack rat...

oh, for you youths that grew up immersed in the world wide web - the internet was not quite as prevalent back then - those letters were really the only way we could communicate without amassing huge telephone debts talking with our friends from out of state...

... and over the course of those years, I realize how silly were the things about which we discussed...

... ... ...

whatever.

... ... ...

my vacation ended yesterday morning, when I was flooded with work.

yet, I welcomed it... sorta...

at least I got to work early...

... ... ...

I think I prefer my work and play balances in binges...

... ... ...

I have to think about that last statment some more...

... ... ...

time to make the donuts...